I spent Friday night with Cat. Everything went wrong from the start but it ended up being very eventful and now I am beyond emotionally drained.
I was supposed to go over to her house around 4 but I took an edible way too late in the day because I just couldn’t sleep. It was also a new kind of edible I hadn’t tried before plus I think I accidentally took more than I intended. I was clearly in no shape to drive, so she came to get me instead.
I could tell that she was experiencing a lot of anxiety as a result of how much I accidentally derailed our plans but I could also see how much she was struggling to keep it under control. So on the fly, I just realized what I had to do. I distracted her from her anxiety by telling her about some absolutely hilarious stories that Dylan has experienced at his new job. It worked.
But meanwhile, because I was still high, I was continuing to revise and sharpen and perfect my article to my MIL, even while heading down the highway with Cat. I had clearly unlocked some new level of myself that allowed me to speak the absolute truth with complete absence of any filter. It allowed me to create an absolute masterpiece of writing, something I had never been able to do before.
So then we got to the event we were attending, which was another reading by the local group of women who do readings in the nude. It was interesting and powerful, as it always is. But this one seemed to be even more powerful than the last one I saw with her.
They were telling stories on the theme of kink. Cat was already very interested in the topic. I was too but I was less familiar with the true depth of it.
I learned a lot, which gave me a lot of new ideas to explore in the future. She was incredibly aroused by the readings and I was too, but we were both already incredibly aroused because we had a longer-than-average break of not seeing each other, due mostly to Chloe’s illness and my desire to keep an eye on her. (It was really much worse than a normal illness and I just wanted to make sure she was on the mend. She’s not 100% better yet but it’s now clear that she eventually will be.)
So we wildly, passionately made out outside of the venue before heading back to Cat’s house, after stopping at McDonald’s of all places just to take some bare minimum of nourishment back with us. And then I took another edible and so did she. And that’s when everything began to feel like we were tumbling into another dimension.
Remember, I was still in that no filter state of mind. In fact, I’m still in it and it’s not wearing off at all, which is actually quite terrifying. I can’t even begin to explain how being in that completely unfiltered state affects having sex with someone that you are already perfectly sexually in sync with.
I’m still not completely sure what all I said to her and what I just felt instead. That happens to me a lot when I’m high.
I don’t remember what I said to her as she was dropping me off. I’m pretty sure that I told her that I loved her. And then I said that I knew how much that scared her because she knows how fragile I am and I know how deeply she’s been hurt too and I know she felt like it was way too soon to say that. Then I explained that my saying that I loved her didn’t mean I had expectations of her or whatever this is (meaning our relationship). It had nothing to do with the length of time that I’ve known her. I didn’t even need for her to say it back. It just meant that I had seen down to her soul and what I saw there was worth loving. She was crying as I said that but I don’t know if they were happy tears or frightened ones. I think and hope they were happy.
I don’t know how I did that. But it seems to be related to when I broke down my filter entirely to call the truth as I see it, which is enough to deeply move people emotionally. I’m apparently now this incisive truth-teller and I can’t turn it off. I’m really afraid I may be stuck with it, which feels terrifying.
I think that quite literally, I revealed a new part of my personality this weekend. I don’t really recognize this person but it’s also still clearly me. I bet this blog even sounds very different now. It’s the most concentrated version of who I was before. This is my new voice, unless it disappears or wears off. Dyl thinks it will wear off or mellow a bit but I am not so sure.
Everything about me is sharper, better-defined. It’s as though everything about me got boiled down to its roots.
This state seemed to be caused by a combination of two factors: getting high and Cat. Getting high took me just outside myself enough to see everything on a deeply spiritual level. But having Cat be a part of that was also very logical because of the connection we have.
I feel like she is meant to be in my life for a spiritual purpose and she agrees. I’ve never felt this before with anyone else and neither has she. I can’t even define what a “spiritual connection” means. It’s like I know what she’s thinking and she knows what I’m thinking because it’s like we’re almost two halves of the same brain. If I’m not directly thinking what she is, I can pop into her head and find out. It means that I know just what to do to make her come because I feel like I’m inside her body and know precisely where and how to touch her and with what degree of pressure, which varies. Then I continue to do it repeatedly until I can see that she’s reached a “certain point” where she needs me to stop. In that state, she’s unable even to form words. And she does a similar thing to me, only she knows exactly what I need to hear that will push me over the edge repeatedly. She’s always exactly right. And then we do it again and again until we both need to sleep.
Unlike J, she’s willing to wake me up when I’ve had way too little sleep just because she wants me again. She’s seen me in the worst stages of half-awakeness, even in the stage where my hair is wildly disheveled and I have to scrape the zombies of deep sleep out of my eyes. And she still thinks it’s worth it and seems to find it adorable. It’s worth it to me too but I always have to recover from it.
Although our sexual chemistry is undeniable, it’s not the only thing about her. My relationship with her “or whatever this is,” which I always say with a specific hand gesture, is so much more than that. It’s like she is beyond being my best friend, with the depths to which she understands me on a soul level. There isn’t a term to describe this kind of relationship, as far as I know.
We’ve gradually changed the way we talk to each other, especially recently. How I talk to her has become very natural as a result of how much and how often we talk. It’s almost like we’ve developed our own language that’s unique to the two of us. I instinctively know what will instantly make her laugh and vice versa. We share each other’s senses of humor. I know how and when to be a flirt, though that’s still developing. She knows when I am absolutely freaking out and need immediate help.
Just like what I had with J, actually. Only this also has the additional component of being totally sexually in sync, which is completely new. And I don’t know what that means now or what it will mean in the future. I just know that I had a relationship with J that was also deeply spiritual in the fact that it felt like God as I understand it put us together. J was so much like me in all the important ways and we were also able to so directly see down to each other’s souls. And now, the very first person I met after losing J became yet another relationship with a very similar (but still unique) essential dynamic, which I was not looking for at all.
I don’t know if I’m losing my mind or if I am just seeing things from an exceptionally clear perspective. But it seems like that’s more than a coincidence. It’s more like a neon sign.
It’s so fucking weird in every way but it also feels like I’m not guiding my own steps. Some other outside force is doing it. And all I can do is yield to its power because no matter what else I try to do instead, it has already proven that it is going to win.