Well, this is a big shock. I’ve been all over the place emotionally this week.
I got a Monroe piercing (well, technically a Madonna piercing because it was on the opposite side) on Tuesday when I went out with Dylan and Sav. At first I felt liberated because I’ve wanted one for at least 15 years and J never liked them, so I didn’t get one out of respect for his preferences.
But then I got to feeling very irritated by wearing it and that irritation was like a constant reminder that J’s not here. So I took it out today. Dumb, dumb, dumb (both that I got it in the first place and that I wasted the money on it.)
I felt desperate and suicidal on Tuesday night after I got it and then all day on Wednesday.
A local friend of mine who I originally met through my online mom’s group 20+ years ago dropped everything and took me out for tacos and margaritas and I gradually started to feel a bit better.
The friend I loaned money to made her first payment yesterday, which was a huge relief and was a load off my mind.
Then I happened to ask another friend who’s in a polyamorous relationship if she thought her (male) partner would be interested in something with me. I’d briefly met him once before and I knew he was cute and nice and safe.
It turns out that he is interested and he will be a very safe person for me to get those physical needs met. He knows that I am probably going to cry after at least the first time and he’s willing to just hold me while I cry.
I know that he’s both emotionally safe for me and physically safe (both in terms of pregnancy risk and STIs.) I really couldn’t ask for better. I know going into it that it will just be something casual that we’ll do for however long it keeps being mutually beneficial to both of us. Maybe it will only be once or maybe it will become semi-regular; who knows?
For now, I am extremely grateful that it’s someone I kind of “know” and more importantly I can trust that he’s safe because I trust my friend absolutely.
At first, I thought my younger two kids wouldn’t be okay if I brought him to my house (well, at least I expected that Dylan wouldn’t be okay with it.) But he surprised me by saying that he was fine with it as long as I used discretion about it, by which I assume he meant that I keep the noise down and don’t walk around naked. LOL He presented that in terms like he does the same for me as well.
I really couldn’t ask for better. Then I discussed it with Chloe and not surprisingly, she reacted even better than Dyl did. She said that she knows that I will never forget J and she understands that I’m not trying to replace him. But also that she would never expect me to stay celibate for the rest of my life, either.
I talked to her a bit more in depth, including telling her his name and how I know him and the fact that he’s in a long-term poly relationship. She knows a lot more people in poly relationships so we talked at some length about that.
I do have to say that poly relationships are probably the biggest change to the dating world since I met J way back in 1993. On the one hand, at the present time, I still think I’m wired more for another monogamous relationship some day. I don’t intend on being a permanent part of this particular poly relationship and I respect the concept of a primary relationship that’s still polyamorous.
But at the same time, I also recognize the many benefits of a poly relationship. For one thing, such a relationship would have enabled me to be a lot less miserable during many years of my marriage, because I still absolutely loved J but it was very hard to be in a sexless marriage. I have a couple of other friends that are in similar sexless marriages and both would probably benefit from opening up the marriages (although one of them is with a partner who is way too jealous to make that work.)
As best as I understand it, poly relationships seem mostly to be about wanting your partner to be happy, even if sometimes it’s someone else meeting their needs. One of my friends has acknowledged that I would be a perfect partner if his wife were to allow him to open up the marriage. We’re very sexually compatible and get turned on by some of the same things, which are not very common.
They don’t have sex and he just deals with it by masturbating. I’m proud of him for not cheating to get his needs met but at the same time I think that’s an exceptionally shitty thing to do to someone you love. They just tell you that you’re not going to have sex anymore and you’re just supposed to suck it up and suffer. How is that fair?
That sounds fucked up and certainly there are people I’ve known who don’t do it well at all. But I’m meeting more and more people who identify as poly and I am growing to have more respect for it. I have known for a very long time that it’s nearly impossible for one person to meet all of their partner’s needs and I’m not sure how realistic of an expectation it is. If this is one of the changes to the dating world, I think it has potential.
Certainly I have a lot easier of a time respecting someone who tells me they’re poly (and I can confirm that it’s true) than someone who claims to be monogamous but is actually cheating on their spouse. I’ve already encountered that and I don’t respect it at all.
I’m probably going to end up writing an article about this and maybe even submitting it to that woman’s magazine/website about dating issues. It’s just too fascinating of a topic to me.
And on the bright side, it looks like I’ll get laid soon, which I sorely need. I’m sure it will be emotionally complicated but I can’t think of any better circumstances.