Desperation

I’m trying so hard to stay positive but it’s not working very well at all.

I had an interview scheduled with a major company for a remote customer service job. The training was on first shift but the actual work itself was second shift.

They completely ghosted me for my scheduled interview, despite sending me two reminders today by text and email (so a total of four reminders.) I can’t even believe it or understand it.

To be honest, I am not even sure that I could make it through training. Last time I tried, I only made it through 6 days before my body refused to wake up on time. But there was also a lot of stress with that job, which surely compounded the issue, as stress always makes my symptoms much worse.

I had computer problems that were not my fault and I was working on a computer they provided to me. I had to completely wipe my whole hard drive and it took a super long time. I worked 2 hours over my scheduled time and it still wasn’t fixed. I worked most of the last day after they got my computer fixed but they told me I might have to rejoin a different training session because of the time I missed.

Still, I am just feeling so hopeless and desperate. I haven’t heard a single word from the friend I loaned money to. I don’t actually know if I will be okay or not.

Any of the places I would like to move to are more expensive than it is here. I don’t know if my goal to write books and publish them on Amazon will be viable, either. I found someone on Medium who has written 18 books and she’s made less than $700 total.

I would do something else like customer service but I can’t seem to even get a job. I seriously don’t know what I’m going to do next and it terrifies the hell out of me.

What’s even the point of making a stupid vision board, anyway? It’s not like it will really make a difference in the outcome.

I miss J. Everything would still be scary if he were here but I wouldn’t be going through it alone.

Bleh

I had a counseling session today and my therapist told me to create a vision board. It’s probably a good idea. I have so many things I want to do and need some guidance organizing my thoughts.

I’ve got a job interview on Thursday and it pays fairly well. After training I would be on second shift, which I could do. I really need better insurance for me and the kids, although Chloe should have her own soon too.

I’m almost done with reorganizing my bedroom and my office is all set up. I’m still too drained to start working on a novel, though.

I had a very unpleasant encounter with someone I’ve known since elementary school. He’s never been married and still lives in our hometown. He’s also in love with Texas (to which I just want to ask: why?!?!) I get it that Texas in the cities is a lot more exciting than in our hometown I guess but it also seems like setting your sights too low.

Then he started talking about how hot I am and how I’ve always been a goddess but honestly my reaction is just “yuck. Then he started talking about wanting to live someplace where he could be naked all the time and I bounced from the conversation.

I think another guy I went to high school with also may have his sights on me too. He sends me lots of messages about how good I look and stuff.

Honestly I just find the attention draining. It’s in the same category as my seemingly endless matches on OK Cupid. I don’t even check them anymore.

I really only want a relationship with a woman but I’m not even ready for that yet. I just want to be alone for a while. Get my stuff done and then sleep.

Unless you can take me away to live in a place that’s better than here, I don’t really have the time or interest.

Frankly I want to be alone. I want J back. I miss him so, so much. None of these jokers even come close.

But apparently now that I’m in the second half of my first year after losing J, the gloves have come off and I’m finding all these people interested in me. And I really don’t want it and don’t think I’ve signaled otherwise. My heart is going to be broken for a long long time.

I get it I guess that I’m reasonably attractive compared to what’s around and I’ve already proven that I can love somebody very, very well, flaws and all.

But if they’re not J, they’re not worth it.

The universe is opening up

This has only happened a couple of times before, both when I moved down here and when J and I found this house to rent.

I can feel the energies in my life starting to begin to shift ever so slightly. I’m pretty convinced that one way or the other, I’ll be somewhere new in a year.

It may not be Austin, despite how much I like it there. It might actually be California instead.

I’m going out there in June for my nephew’s wedding. I’ve been in touch with my friend Chris, who lives out there, and he was genuinely very excited that I was coming.

I have a lot of work to do, both on cleaning this place up and arranging where the kids will be. They’re still my first priority but fortunately they feel it too, this sense that a major change is coming soon.

I looked up apartments in Southern California and they’re surprisingly not much more expensive than the ones in Austin. Now that I feel very open to apartment living vs a house that opens up a lot of options to me.

I could even live within walking distance of the Pacific Ocean, which I would absolutely love. I’ve always been most at home in the water and I no longer feel as self-conscious about my weight.

Things could be very good within about a year and that’s really exciting.

I don’t know what I’ll be doing as far as a job but I think I will find something. Whether it’s a formal job (about which I am contacted several times a week) or writing books, I just really feel like something is going to work out.

The way the universe works, according to my past experiences, it may be a bit of a bumpy ride and it may not look like I expect but something will work.

Man, I really wish I could have convinced my former friend to work on paying me back because then she could experience this, too.

New new new!!

I finally know where I’m going to move and it’s not that far, relatively speaking. I’m going to move to Austin!

I’m still probably not going to be able to move for about a year. That will give me and the kids a chance to put everything in place and see how it shakes out and who’s going with me. So far Dyl says it sounds good but of course he wants to check it out.

I went down yesterday to stay the night with a mom friend I’ve known for ~20 years. She’s a single mom who shares custody with her ex. It sounds like kind of a messy situation.

And her apartment was a total disaster and that made me feel a lot better about my house, which is still pretty messy in its own right. But she broke her foot and can’t drive or walk far so I helped her out with a bunch of stuff.

Her whole apartment complex smelled vaguely like weed. There were lots of signs promoting Beto for governor and since he’s the Democratic candidate that certainly made me feel welcome.

She lives in the northwest part of the city which is older.But that also means it has lots of mature trees. It just had such a different vibe than where I live now and I really, really liked it.

She’s lived in that apartment complex for 6 years and she said it’s pretty low crime. I certainly felt safe when I was there and we were walking around a lot at night. She said her neighborhood is mostly a mix of college students and immigrants. Since I currently live around a lot of immigrants and I like it, that makes me feel very comfortable.

Yesterday I was walking her recycling out to the bin and it was a bit of a walk. Of course I was trying to carry too much stuff 🙄 so I dropped one of the boxes. A young man (probably one of the aforementioned students) saw me and said “do you need some help, pretty lady?” And I thanked him but said no, that I had it handled. And that was just a very welcoming encounter. (Yes I also know it was sexist but I don’t really mind that.)

I’m also thinking that apartment life is definitely for me and I’m not going to define that as a failure. I’ve only lived in houses for the past 25 years or so and honestly it’s pretty overrated anyway.

I do remember that it was really easy to make friends when I lived in apartments here before (and I’m still friends with many of them even today.)

Honestly I just felt so at home there. And the rent is expensive but doable, especially if I have help or if I find low-income housing.

I want to be in the city. Not the suburbs like I am now and definitely not the country. Texas + country doesn’t suit me AT ALL.

I could live in the most progressive part of Texas and I think I could be really happy there.

I just have to get an apartment with a washer and dryer in my unit, because my friend had to use a laundromat at her complex and I had to help her with 5 loads. That’s honestly a huge quality of life thing for me.

And now I have something to look forward to and work towards and I am SO happy and relieved. I can live in the hippie city and I will love it.

Making some changes

I’m actually really going to try super hard to get my sleep on track. I’m honestly not looking forward to the process, as I know that it’s going to be extremely difficult and if I achieve it, I will never be able to have late nights again and I will have to be super vigilant about caffeine.

I just can’t be one of those people who has a “whatever” attitude about sleep. I can’t stay up late to push through and meet deadlines or work overtime (if I get a job.)

But I’m thinking a lot more about travel and where I might want to live. Now it looks questionable whether or not Dyl will go with me to Colorado but I might go somewhere else instead to check it out. Maybe California (although I already have a trip there scheduled for next June for my nephew’s wedding.) Maybe Oregon or Washington state. I don’t know.

I just suddenly feel really free to decide what to do with my life. And I decided that I’m going to write novels and get them published on Amazon and that’s going to be how I’ll support myself. So I guess I really need to get writing, eh? Because I assume it will take a little time to establish myself in that career, and I will need to be making more money to live where I want.

And on that note, I just have to say fuck you, Vince. He was my creative writing professor who told me I had no talent. I obviously DO and I wasted so much time believing him. Not anymore.

A turn for the better

I am suddenly feeling a lot better about a lot of things.

I am still very distressed by what J told me about Amy the other night. I will probably take a break from trying to contact him for a while just so I can try to process that.

But in the meantime, other good things have happened.

First of all, I have decided to take a road trip. I think I’m going to go up to Colorado with Dyl and Sav. I want to check out Boulder in particular as a possible place to move. I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned that here before or not.

When I called my dad for his birthday last week, he told me that he thought that I would love Boulder. He also gave me permission to live anywhere in the US (he didn’t specify areas outside the US but I’m sure he would be okay with it if I found a place where I could be happy.)

Somehow just getting that permission changed everything for me. I really could get out of here if I chose to and that makes me feel so much better. Texas really is becoming the kind of place where I don’t want to be anymore.

I want to live by mountains or water. I’m not sure about cold weather again so I’ll keep that in mind.

But I want to see if there are other parts of the US where I could be happier before I give up on the States entirely. There are still problems here—namely the healthcare system. But maybe being in a more liberal place would be enough to make it tolerable.

The other thing is that I went to see Cat last night. She called me just to chat and I brought up the possibility of rekindling our physical relationship with less pressure on it.

I went to her house and it was so good. I was going to stay the night but I ended up being unable to sleep because my sleep is so fucked up lately. It was just wonderful to go over as myself, glasses on and no makeup, and not feel any kind of nervousness.

I was able to talk to her as a friend and I knew she cared (and she did the same.) And I realized that this is a different kind of relationship than I’ve ever been in and I can’t define it and don’t think I need to.

I have a type of “love” for her but it’s totally different than anything else I’ve ever experienced. It’s not at all like my relationship was with J and won’t ever be. But I can say that on my part it is a type of love. She wouldn’t say the same because she’s very uncomfortable with the word.

I am not, though, because I’m learning that there are many different types of love. This is friendship plus sex. Really good sex, I might add, and I am further convinced that I am really a lesbian. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be the same because I stopped taking estrogen and didn’t take a weed edible, so I was totally sober. That apparently did not matter at all.

So I’m finding out who I really am and am appreciating different people and what they bring to my life without wanting it to be more than it is. It’s actually really nice.

And now I’m going to have to work on writing some books so that I will have the money to live somewhere more expensive than here. I think it might all work out.

J’s visit

It seems like he’s visiting me a lot lately, doesn’t it?

On the one hand, it’s very comforting to hear from him. It almost makes me feel like he’s not entirely gone, which is really cool.

He gave me messages to give to each of the kids but Amy requested that I not give her the message because she doesn’t find it helpful.

Everything he told me was overall okay or helpful—except for one thing.

He said that I will probably leave this area within a year or two and that possibly only Dyl will move with me. Whether or not Dyl and I will be roommates is still unknown; we might just live in the same city.

I mentioned that to both Chloe and Dyl and they seemed to find it agreeable and probably likely. Chloe has an independent streak and wants to try living on her own and Dylan is more open to seeing where life takes him.

But the other thing J told me is that I am most likely going to lose Amy. He told me when and how she would die.

At first I was really, deeply distressed by this. Actually, I still am and I don’t have anyone to talk through these feelings with.

He said that the circumstances we’re born into and the timing and circumstances around our death are pretty much pre-determined before we’re born. He was trying to tell me about Amy’s death so that I could try to prepare for it but also because he wanted me to know that it absolutely isn’t my fault.

I really, really don’t want this to be true. And maybe it won’t be. But in the meantime I just wish there were someone who could give me a hug and tell me that if that really does happen, I will be okay. Because right now I don’t feel like I will.

Not only do I have to try to keep myself alive but also my kids and sometimes that feels nigh unto impossible.

New horizons someday

I was thinking about taking a trip soon to Michigan to see my parents but then I remembered that I would have to see my sister. I’m still more than a little salty that not only did she not attend J’s memorial but she didn’t even send me a sympathy card. So I’m going to give myself some time to get over my hurt feelings.

But in the meantime, maybe I’ll take a road trip up to Colorado with Dyl and Sav. I talked to my dad yesterday and he said that he absolutely fell in love with Boulder and he thinks I would too.

We talked about moving in general and to my surprise, he said it makes very little difference whether I’m in Texas or Colorado or somewhere on the west coast.

I have to admit that I’ve always been curious about the west coast and it seems like the kind of place where I might be happier.

I know that you can’t always chase the idea that you’ll be happier somewhere else. But at the same time, Texas really isn’t it for me anymore.

I’ve spent so long looking at options outside this country but haven’t given much thought to going other places here. Maybe I should.

In the meantime, I really have to get to work on writing my novels. I’m going to publish them under a fake name and they’ll just be mostly cheesy erotica. But if I’m honest it will still likely be better than a lot of the stuff that’s already out there.

I just have to get started and keep going with it until hopefully I’ll make enough money that I can leave here.

Making it through

I guess. It’s still terrifying every day and I wish my former friend cared at all about the situation I’m in. Oh well.

I started talking about it at dinner and Chloe (respectfully) cut me off. She said there’s no use in beating myself up for what is already done. She said there may be a point where I get paid back but if I don’t it says a whole lot of bad about my friend but nothing bad about me.

I figure that a big part of parenting my kids and ensuring that they’re good people is talking about this stuff and being honest with them. Trust me that they’re learning valuable lessons about whom to trust and who not to—but they’re also learning about me, too.

I have continued to be generous with others even though I got so badly burned by my friend. Obviously I’m not as generous with anyone else but I still do my best.

I’ve almost entirely got my office set up and my dressers switched over. I can actually see the end in sight of this massive project I’ve undertaken and it feels really good. I really feel like I’m accomplishing something major.

I still don’t know what the future holds at all but I’m trying to believe that I’ll be okay.

The blahs

I’m making it through, I guess.

I’m still waiting to find out if Chloe got the job. She’s waiting to hear back on her background check to find out if she got the job or not.

Dyl is taking the time off work to learn coding skills but he hasn’t been able to work on that yet, which worries me a lot.

I wrote at Medium about my relationship with my mother-in-law, just to try to process it. My mom thinks that no good can come of it because I’m still letting my MIL live in my head but she also doesn’t seem to understand how hard it is for me to stop letting her do so.

The woman was part of my life for almost 30 years, you know? She may have decided that’s it, we’re done now, but I can’t necessarily shut it off that easily.

But I did realize after writing that she deals with a lot of conflicts this way. She just decides that someone is now dead to her and that’s the end of it.

I am not like that, though. Ending a relationship of any sort is usually a big deal to me.

I also realized that even though my friend said she would start paying me in September, the month is almost over and I haven’t seen any money from her, nor even gotten an email about it.

I think it’s most likely that she will never pay me back and will probably never say another word to me. Whether it’s what she intended all along or not, it certainly does leave the strong impression that she really was using me the whole time and played me for a sucker. After all, if she wasn’t, she would surely say so.

Realizing that my supposed “best friend” came into my life after J died and got a whole bunch of money from me still makes me feel sick inside. I know it’s her karma and not mine. But I also just see my money running out and that I’m not getting jobs I apply for and Chloe is also having a hard time finding work, too, and I don’t know what else to do. I am freaking the fuck out.

I don’t know if I’m going to have to move back home to Michigan or not. J always warned me against that because he felt strongly that doing so would lead to an early death for me. I don’t even completely disagree but it just feels increasingly unsustainable to stay here right now and I don’t know how to fix it.

I just feel so beaten down and hopeless. I need to do something to change my situation but I don’t even know how.