Blocked up

My emotions are all out of whack right now. I know that I need to have a massive cry and it’s probably going to be an ugly sort of cry, so I’m trying to avoid it. That’s not really a good strategy but I can’t seem to let it out.

Usually every time I see Cat, I can let a bit of it out, like releasing the gauge on something containing pressure. You won’t get anywhere close to relieving the pressure but by letting out just a bit, you can sort of keep going.

But this coping mechanism is wearing very thin. I have already cancelled my training with the Trevor Project and told the woman I’m co-leading the grief support group with that I need to do less. Yet that still wasn’t enough to remove enough from my plate.

I have mostly slept late all this week or when I have to go get Dyl from work, sometimes I just lie in bed afterwards the whole rest of the day. Cat’s theory is that knowing that I need to cry is requiring so much energy that it’s impacting my sleep needs. Who knows; she might be right.

But it’s not like I can do anything about it at the moment. I know I’ll probably feel better after a good cry but I just can’t make that happen. It feels almost like I’m a ticking time bomb and the least little thing will push me over the edge.

Decisions

I have to figure out what I’m going to do next and it’s a really tough decision.

I did decide, however, that it’s still not a good time for me to volunteer with the Trevor Project. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for it and honestly I’m not sure if I ever will. I kinda want to get out of volunteering to co-lead the grief support group at J’s church, too. I think I would be better served by attending the meetings myself first because I really haven’t processed my own grief yet.

Now that I’m in the second year after losing J, I’m crying a lot more easily now, which seems to suggest that I’m a little more in touch with reality than I was before. I barely cried at all in the first year, which probably wasn’t very healthy.

Even though Chloe is not currently working, she wants to stick with the June deadline to leave here. I did consider staying here and sucking it up and paying much higher costs for utilities and rent than I have to but realistically it’s not a very good option. I really can’t afford it, either.

So now I have to decide if I want to get an apartment somewhere by where I live now, if I want to get an apartment somewhere else in DFW, or if I want to move down to Austin. I really can’t decide, so I’m going to have to make a spreadsheet comparing my options.

(Cat was thrilled with that because she’s such a planner. She actually said that I was turning her on when I was talking about it. 😂)

I don’t know if I should still move to Denton or not. It’s not an ideal option because the traffic to get in and out of Denton is so bad, but Dyl doesn’t know yet what he’s going to do. Apparently, there’s a waiting list for the dorms and you have to put down a $300 deposit to get on the waitlist. But he doesn’t really want to do that because he’d be required to get a meal plan, which he really doesn’t want.

I don’t know if he’s going to want to live at home with me as an alternative, which kinda puts my plans in limbo.

I guess I will figure it out as I go. I’m leaning towards staying in DFW and maybe even on the Fort Worth side of the metroplex. I’m just meeting a lot more people here and I really like what’s developing in my social life, so I don’t necessarily want to leave it all behind.

Whirlwind

So yesterday, I went to stay the night with Cat. It turned out that my being in Austin was a really good thing for both of us. I got to realize that I have a lot more options than just her, and she seemingly also realized that I needed a little more from her.

I was wavering on whether or not to even go yesterday at all but I’m glad that I did. I felt like I had been gone too much last week and the kids and cats all clearly missed me.

But we went to a poly meetup that was extremely large and it was a lot of fun. I made a whole bunch of new friends whom I will be seeing again (which is another thing to consider in the DFW vs Austin debate.)

I told her last night when we were high that I had finally realized that I have feelings for her, even if she doesn’t share them. I can’t do anything about that one way or the other. But she did say that she’s starting to understand the meaning of compersion because she thinks I am so wonderful that she doesn’t want to hog me to herself but to see me have a wide variety of new experiences. (That in itself seems to suggest some kind of feelings are on both ends, which she didn’t disagree with. She’s just very twitchy about the “l” word, which I can understand.)

We had a very romantic night overall. I always get her off first but yesterday she was pretty insistent that she would get me off first. It really felt like she had missed me a lot. And then today she made a move on me shortly after I woke up.

My ideas about love and partnership are changing a lot and I’m having a lot of complicated feelings about it. But overall it’s really, really good and I’m happy.

Back home but not yet back to normal

So I finally came back home. I had probably been gone long enough, I guess, and plus I was really missing my kids and my cats (especially Roshi, because I know he’s kinda lost without me and feels my absence very acutely.)

My head is just totally spinning right now and I’m going to go to bed earlier than I have the past few nights. I just need to sleep.

I talked to Cat on my way home and I think we got everything sorted out. I shared a lot of the same things I did here so there wasn’t really anything new, per se. We did have a bit of a disagreement prompted by my going down to Austin and she asked me not to contact her until I was on my way home.

I did tell her that a lot of the things she seems to expect from me seem more like “girlfriend shit,” but she isn’t giving me the girlfriend title because she says she’s allergic to titles (whatever.) I told her that I didn’t feel like that was exactly fair.

She insisted that she is not getting any feelings for me. Personally I suspect she’s kind of in denial about that but since that’s only my opinion, I can’t prove it either way.

She agreed that we are by now something more than just friends but she doesn’t know what else to call it, either. In keeping with the polyamory terms, she said that I am her primary partner now. I guess that’s as much as I’m going to get.

But I still feel like she’s not very in touch with her own emotions and is even more blocked off in that regard than I am.

I understand her point quite well that I still have a lot of healing to do from my marriage to J. For sure I agree with that a lot.

But where I don’t agree with her is that the first person who tries to be in an actual relationship with me is “doomed” or has to be willing to go through an unreasonable amount with me.

When I find the right person, I won’t be too much for them. They will want to grow with me and it will be mutually beneficial to both of us for them to be there for me. I know what I have to offer in a relationship and it’s a lot more than what I’m currently doing and that honestly makes me a little unhappy.

But I also know now very conclusively that that person is not going to be her. In fact, she referred to anyone who would put up with that as a sucker, but fortunately she caught herself on that one and realized how shitty it sounded. Yes, yes it really did.

The person who’s willing to go through that with me is going to be very special, yes.

At the same time, I’m just moving on with my life, without regard to what she wants. I may end up down in Austin, where they also have an active poly community and I’m already joining several of those groups on the recommendation of my friend who lives down there.

I still believe that if she’s ever honest with herself, she’ll feel like I was the one she pushed away because she was too afraid of the depths of feelings I have in my relationships. Not everyone is going to be as afraid as she is and I already know that.

I guess in the meantime I’m going to continue having sex with her for as long as it lasts but I’m not going to make any life-altering decisions (like staying here strictly for her benefit.)

I do feel a little bit unappreciated and that’s my own issue to work through. Like if I don’t feel like she really values me, why am I continuing to have sex with her? I really don’t know. I guess I’m thinking with my pussy. 😂

But at the same time, now that all the cards are out on the table, seeing that she’s giving me all that she can doesn’t change the fact that I still want a little more. I’m just realistic enough to know that I’m not going to change her mind and that means I have to keep looking.

Weird energy exchanges

So I just had the strangest sexual encounter l have ever had. I told Lucky that I could sometimes have orgasms from music. She said she read my sexual energy, which guided her to a series of songs that would lead to a series of many orgasms.

It’s as though she was reading my mind and body language as she was doing it. It was for well over two hours of her selecting all the most sensual music and some of it was funky with addictive rap hooks. But every song was better than the last.

But really it was just giving me one orgasm after another just by selecting the right music. I can’t describe it any better than being completely in sync and she wanted to give it to me as a gift.

I still have on all my clothes and so does she. (But now my shorts need to be changed.)

Like I don’t even know how to describe how she managed to do that. It’s like we had a very unique energy between us but instead of fucking, she guided me to have many many many orgasms. It was simply magical. She picked up on my energy in the best way. The only thing is that she wouldn’t let me reciprocate in any way yet.

But yet she doesn’t rule out future encounters between us. She just saw an opportunity to give me an amazing experience.

New events

I don’t even know how to think about this yet but apparently the person I’m staying with is also into me.

I sent Cat a message last night to let her know and it didn’t go well.

I got way too high last night because I had taken a full dose of my edibles, which I know how they’ll affect me. But then Lucky’s friend came over and he ended up really smoking out and I asked and it was the sativa strain. Apparently I am SO sensitive to it that even being in the same room but not smoking it was enough to make me get way too high.

But unlike every other situation I’ve been in like this one, I felt safe enough to ask them for help. I had never met her friend before and I still just somehow knew he would also help me. They both got things to immediately help me feel better like fresh pineapple and cold packs for my neck.

I can’t even explain how huge that was for me. Just to reach out assuming I would be treated as if my needs were valid and not embarrassing. It was actually a pretty dramatic shift in worldview. Apparently I am not always too nice and too trusting. I do have a worldview that people are mostly good and I’ve spent a lot of the past year mostly being abused for it and trying to change it. But sometimes it’s really just as simple as being around good people you can trust.

I haven’t seen done anything with her yet, I just confirmed that we were both feeling the same vibe and we are. But I need to shower yet and so does she.

…to be continued eventually and hopefully.

It’s only good until it’s not

So I think my title is a paraphrase of Dan Savage, according to the friend I’m staying with last night while we were high. Either way it still sounds good.

I’m realizing a lot of things about Cat that are incredibly toxic (and yes, I do plan to discuss this with her but I am high again and want to make sure I’m thinking clearly before doing so.)

She calls herself a “relationship anarchist” but I think she has a wildly different understanding of the term than I do. I think she is using it to mean that she doesn’t intend to ever let herself get hurt, whereas I read it to mean that every relationship is unique but that yes you can still catch feels for a partner.

She has her emotional walls up so ridiculously high and I don’t think she’ll allow herself to get over them. Possibly never but at least not any time soon.

I think I told her once that she would someday feel like I was the “one she pushed away.” I don’t think she realizes how true that will be. I think she might find out sooner than she thinks.

She is clearly acting as if I was her girlfriend but she is also trying hard to deny that’s what she’s doing. Like she has now introduced me to almost every other important person in her life (or has plans to in the coming weeks) except for the one closest person in her life but no, I’m not her girlfriend.

And she expects me to text all day and talk on the phone for hours and right when she gets out of work and before and after she goes to class and before bed. I’m sorry honey but that’s girlfriend shit.

The only reason we aren’t closing our calls with “I love you” is because we haven’t agreed to it yet and actually I already told her that I loved her, so she is essentially blocking herself to avoid the possibility of it growing into more. In fact, I think in her efforts to avoid being hurt she’s actually going to end up ensuring that she IS hurt.

Busy, busy social life

Like seriously I can’t really keep up with this too well yet and I’m going to have to learn how to adapt, pretty damn quickly.

Even though I was out all weekend, I also had a lot to do today, too.

First, I met with Diane, the older woman from J’s church about setting up a grief share group at their church. I guess I’m apparently going to be the primary group leader, which is totally fine with me. I’ve done similar things with presenting workshops and stuff in other contexts, so I’m sure it will be fine. The biggest problem right now is trying to find the time to develop a sort of structured curriculum for the meetings but I just have to come up with the first one for now. But I probably have to do it this week sometime, which may be a little tricky.

Then I met up with Amelia, aka “Amelia PetSmart,” as she is listed in my phone contacts (even though I now know her last name.) We met at a coffee shop near my house but they were closing 40 minutes after I got there because my meeting with Diane went later than expected.

Amelia and I were just really vibing well so we didn’t want to stop talking so soon after I arrived. I really had to use the bathroom and we were only 5 minutes from my house. We had already confirmed that I could drive her home (in such a strange coincidence, she lives one street over from where my first house I ever owned here was, which itself is within walking distance from where I currently live. I feel like I’ve lived in this same zip code for more than 20 years, even though I took out several years when I lived in Michigan.) She doesn’t drive but Dylan doesn’t either, so that’s no big deal to me.

So she came back here with me. I’d already gotten the vibe that she was cool and that I could trust her in my house. We had a lot of fun, just chatting mostly. We’re both big cat people lol and she made friends with my cats Roshi and Batsu (Scooty was hiding as usual.) But I also showed her my deck of tarot cards because I knew she’d find it hilarious (it’s all cats and it has cards like the Death card is a golden retriever 😂.) So then she asked me if I’d give her a reading and I said sure. I guess she thought it was accurate and insightful, even though she didn’t tell me what it was about.

I also told her that I was moving in (most likely) June and she was very relieved when I told her that I wasn’t planning to leave the area. So that was nice, to feel like someone still wants me around. Cat does too but she’s made much less of a big deal out of it.

Then I had to write some articles and do some more training for the Trevor Project. I didn’t get all the articles done, so I’ll have to finish the rest before I go down to Austin tomorrow (possibly through Thursday) to help my friend who’s recovering from foot surgery. I’m going to take my laptop with me because I have more articles to do while I’m gone but I think it will work out okay.

Then I’m supposed to go out with Cat again on Friday but our plans may be up in the air a bit. We may just have a quiet night in or I may choose to stay home on Friday night, just to catch up with the kids. I honestly don’t feel like I’ve seen them very often lately and that feels a little weird.

Oh, and apparently I’m going to have the young trans woman I invited to spend Christmas with us moving in with us temporarily. I asked the kids first if they would be okay with me extending that invitation to her and they said yes. Fortunately, we have plenty of advance notice to get the back bedroom ready and cleaned out.

She really didn’t want to take me up on it but she finally realized that she probably needed to do so. Her lease is up in the end of March and she’s on unemployment. She’s hoping to be back on her feet ASAP. Since I’m planning to move in June-ish, that will probably make her stay time-limited by default. Best case scenario, maybe we’ll discover that we’re good roommates and she can move with me into a bigger apartment.

I know that “best case” scenario probably isn’t very realistic. I’m just hoping it won’t be terrible.

Wild weekend

I had another wild weekend. It was a lot of fun.

Cat and I both forgot that we agreed to go out with a big group of friends to the gayborhood this weekend and that was a fucking blast. I shared a picture of myself riding in the back of an Uber with some of my new friends last night (Cat was in the front seat.) I looked super dorky but I was just so happy to be out and about.

I had gone over to her house on Friday night, kinda at the last minute. But because we had both forgotten about our plans with Jill, I didn’t have the clothes or makeup or jewelry or anything I wanted, so I drove back home after we met Cat’s 25-year-old son for lunch.

First of all, he is so goddamn cute. He’s honestly just the type of guy I’m a sucker for: young and half-black with light skin. He’s much more extroverted than she is and he flirts and is very charming and charismatic. It makes you feel like you’re the only person in the room. Honestly it was very, very similar to when I met Bill Clinton. There are some people who just have that natural, innate charm and they make you feel like you’re the only person in the world when they talk to you.

He was very flirty with me and of course I was flattered. It was also my first time meeting him, even though she and I have been a thing since July. I wanted to make a good impression on him because I know he had heard a lot about me, just as I had about him.

Cat was going to treat us to lunch (we went to Pappasito’s, part of a big chain of local restaurants.) It was my first time there. But then Cat’s son ended up picking up the tab. I think he wanted to feel like a big spender and that was honestly adorable. He’s a real estate investor and had just closed on a major deal the day before.

He ordered a frozen margarita and then I copied him and ordered the same thing for myself. He seemed very pleased that I did. It was really good!

After that, I decided to run back home and change my clothes and put on makeup, jewelry, and a spritz of perfume.

I got back just in time for us to have an actual quickie (yay, we can apparently do that lol.) And then her friends started to arrive just as we were finishing up.

We went to SueEllen’s, a lesbian bar that’s been in Dallas for decades. I actually went there before when they were in a different location. OMG, I had so much fun there! It was also a lot of sensory overload. Lots of loud music and dancing and drinking and it was just a blast.

Then Cat decided she wanted to go to S4, which is a gay and lesbian bar. But the vibes were immediately way off, especially for me. I pay a lot of attention to vibes and I’m almost never wrong.

Something about that place was just kind of sinister. Thank god Cat paid my entrance fee because they were charging $25 for cover, which was absolutely ridiculous. But almost as soon as we arrived, we saw a young woman who was lying on the floor with 5-6 cops around her and bystanders were saying that she wasn’t breathing.

Honestly that completely freaked me out. It was too similar to J’s death and that made me feel extremely uncomfortable and panicked, like I just wanted to run out of there, but I couldn’t. But then fortunately, the cops got her breathing again and got her out of there.

The whole place was just weird and definitely not my scene at all. I’d see all these couples go into the bathroom together into the same stall and I’m pretty sure they were doing drugs. That doesn’t necessarily shock me per se but it’s also not something I see every day, either.

There wasn’t really any danceable music and the whole thing was just very uncomfortable and did I already say weird and surreal?

So we finally left there and went to a pizza shop that was open late and we got to chow down. It was so crowded but that was also fun.

We took an Uber back to Cat’s house. Jill decided to head home for the night. Then it was me and Cat and her friend Lauren and we all got into the hot tub all nakey but it wasn’t sexual at all. We also took edibles and I guess in combination with the alcohol and the crazy night out, I actually bounced from the hot tub early and went in to lie down on Cat’s bed. When they came in, Lauren decided to take an Uber back home and Cat came in and we were both just way too exhausted to fuck or anything. We both just crashed hard.

We slept fairly late today and then had another epic round of sex before I went home. Also I discovered that I have been experiencing extremely intense itching all over my body for weeks and I finally figured out that I’m extremely allergic to the detergent Cat uses. So that kinda sucks and I’m still itching all over, even though I showered again after I got home. (Scratch, scratch)

I’m supposed to go down to visit my friend in Austin again this week because she just had foot surgery and needs some help. But of course I already offered to go before I had this epic weekend and now I feel extremely peopled out and I could honestly use this whole week to recover and gear up again for next weekend. Next weekend, we’re going to be going with a group again to visit a swingers club.

I have to meet up with a woman from J’s church tomorrow who wants me to lead a grief share group with her. She’s been a little impatient and I’ve been a whole lot flaky because I have so much going on right now but I figured I should just arrange to meet her now and get it over with. I don’t mean that as bad as it sounds, by the way. I’m sure I will be very glad to get out there again, even if I’d rather stay home and sleep.

Then Tuesday I have to wake up early for therapy and then shower and hit the road for Austin. It’s probably going to be a long time before I feel truly rested again.

But overall I’m having fun. It was cute being out with Cat and seeing what she’s like a little drunk. She kinda played up the butch-ier side of her appearance and I liked it. I kinda looked like I was her girl and I really enjoyed that. And I also made out with her a few times in the first club and kinda danced up on her.

I also met a friend of hers who she’s also told me about before. She’s also a widow but her spouse was a woman. She’s about my age. Really butch but in a preppy way and she had just the kindest eyes. She did extremely flatter me when she asked if I was old enough to be in that bar. 😉 I guess she was testing out her flirting skills and she’s still got them.

I kinda took it upon myself to reach out to her and make her feel included and welcome. Because the other people in our group were more extroverted and I also knew she was extremely out of her element (she was texting Cat in advance, saying how nervous she was), I wanted to make sure someone wouldn’t forget about her.

Apparently we will be seeing her again in a couple of weeks the next time there’s another “Bare Books” event, with the naked women doing readings. I think I’m also going to meet two of Cat’s other friends there too, Rena and Natalie. They’re married but in the poly scene. They’ve heard a lot about me and vice versa so it will be nice to finally meet them.

It’s like now I guess I’ve been a big enough part of her life to meet the people closest to her, which is honestly kind of an honor. I guess I’m doing well enough that I can be introduced to them.