Yesterday was truly weird in just about every way.

It started with Amy calling me because she was listed as one of my emergency contacts, then Chloe came in to check on me for the same reason.

Apparently, my Apple Watch somehow detected that I was having an emergency and contacted 911 and my emergency contacts. But there was no emergency so I’m not sure how that happened.

The cops called and came to check on me in person. I didn’t answer the door in time and neither did the kids but I had to explain to the cops that it was just an accidental alarm and I wasn’t having an emergency of any kind. And then because being nice is so deeply ingrained in me, I thanked them for checking on me.

But I also realized that I still had J listed as one of my emergency contacts, so I had to change that. I turned off his phone in like February or March last year and I didn’t feel weird about doing so.

But this, on the other hand, hit me so much harder. It’s not like I ever really thought he was coming back or anything but removing him as an emergency contact reminded me of how alone I really am and that felt awful.

I was still crying when Cat called me but I still answered the phone anyway, which I guess is something. I will let her see or hear me cry, which very very rarely happens anyway and it’s even more rare for me to share it with someone else.

I guess more than anything, it makes me feel grateful to have a friend like her. (With the added bonus of lots of good sex and plentiful orgasms.)

I talked to her last night about my decision not to call her my girlfriend because previously I had told her that I would. But I realized that she really isn’t and doesn’t want that label, so I’m not going to try to force the issue.

Yes, it still strikes me as weird to have a true friend with benefits but nothing more. In so many ways she acts like a girlfriend. She’s concerned about my health (especially my eating disorder) and my recovery from the accident, which is still ongoing. I’m not getting as much better as quickly as I expected, though I don’t know why I expected it to be faster.

We also talked at length about why I’m so annoyed when people compare my loss to a divorce. Yes, they both deal with loss and learning how to do things for yourself that your spouse used to do but that’s where the similarities end. When you get divorced, maybe you have to mourn your dreams for the relationship but the person is still alive, they’re just not yours anymore.

But when J died, we were the happiest we had ever been. I didn’t want to lose him, anything but. And now I have to learn how to be alone at midlife, when I absolutely didn’t expect it. I feel robbed of the future dreams we were on track to achieve. I can’t ever get that back, either.

Anyway, back to the other night. We got a total of three desserts when I saw her the other night. She wanted an affogato so I found a place that was still open. But first we went to a different shop (broken espresso machine) and got some truly god-tier tiramisu, though I still don’t know if it was really that good or if it was just because I was stoned when we ate it.

She had also picked up an additional dessert for me, intended to be eaten while stoned because we did that last week and it was 100% recommended. So I took that one home and ate it last night when I was stoned and it was SO good y’all. So good.

So she does these sweet little things for me on a pretty regular basis. And it honestly kinda fucks with my head a lot to know that in her view, she’s just doing nice things that include me. We don’t have more of a relationship guiding what she does; she’s just being a genuinely good friend.

I haven’t had that in quite a while, to be honest. And I honestly like it. I don’t have any illusions about what kind of deeper meaning it has because there isn’t one. But for now, that’s really okay.

I don’t honestly think I’ll be poly forever. I’ve had the committed monogamous marriage and I liked it a lot. But I’m not ready for finding that again quite yet. As I think I wrote the other day, I’m still wearing my rings and I don’t feel ready to take them off yet. Dyl suggested that I just date people in the poly community until I’m ready to take them off and I think that’s really solid advice.

1 Comment

  1. E Quixote says:

    That is some good advice. It’s funny, about the phone. A had an iPhone. I’m still using it two years later.

    Liked by 1 person

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