Thoughts a day later

Dylan told me that if I’m not ready to take my rings off (which I’m not, even though I know they’re only a symbol) I should just keep considering myself open to poly relationships. I think he’s right. Anyone who would want me to take off my rings before I’m ready isn’t worth having at this point in my life. It’s complicated but it is what it is.

I also want to say more about my very disordered eating, though. It’s not getting better and I don’t think I’ve yet lost all the weight that I’m going to. I don’t have any idea of what my new set point is. Who knows? It might actually be bigger than I am now, just because I am not eating anywhere near enough.

I just can’t eat more, though, I really can’t. I know that I should and I actually want to (to the point where I’d like to find edibles that will stimulate my appetite.) Yesterday I ate a PB&J and a microwave veggie lasagna that had 400 calories. Oh, and two Lindt truffles with the dried strawberries in them because those are delicious. But that’s still barely over 1,000 calories and I’m sure it’s contributing to my overall lack of energy.

I admit that I do get excited when I see lower weights on the scale than I’ve seen in 15+ years, though. But I don’t know how much of that is due to my eating disordered thinking, which has been a part of my life for more than 30 years. It just came back with a vengeance after J died and it isn’t letting go, but rather getting worse.

I’m really not sure what to do next. I guess I’ll ask my therapist about it (again.)

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