I’m just done

I feel like sometimes I over-communicate. (I’m hearing Cat’s sarcastic “ya think?” in my head right now.)

But I am just so tired of the way I’ve been doing things and I am really motivated to change. (Btw yes I’m a little high but the edibles were super weak, so I took more. I still wish I could find this one brand I tried again, because it made me so ravenous. I need to eat a lot more than I do but I’m just extremely not hungry. That’s maybe a topic for another post. But in terms of impairment, this is mostly still my “normal” voice.)

I’ve always been an over-explainer. I’ve heard that’s very common among people who had serious childhood trauma, because we’re used to feeling invalidated before we even begin talking.

I’m just done. I’m going to stop giving people extra explanations that they don’t deserve or appreciate. Some people just don’t have an innate sense of worldview, so trying to describe this foreign concept never gets anywhere productive at all. Some people just don’t deserve a lengthy explanation. Actually, the shorter, the better. This is where I stand. Period. I come off as super wishy-washy and I know that I do.

That shit is officially done now. I can hardly blame a few shitty people for taking advantage of it. (Not really; being shitty is being shitty, regardless of whether or not someone is so earnest. It might actually make it a much more serious sign that you would take advantage of it.) But I feel lucky that it hasn’t happened much more often than it has, which allows me to keep my the-world-is-mostly-good worldview intact. Seeing as how it seems like I’m experiencing a lot more miracles with this worldview, I am definitely not going to try to change it.

I should have trusted my instinct about Nash. I really am only interested in women. Even if I can feel a sense of physical chemistry with a man, that doesn’t mean they should be my partners unless I decide that I want them to be. The presence of that chemistry between us was a surprise to me, so it took me off-guard.

But this also brings up a mostly unrelated question: if I’m going to be seriously dating, should I take off my rings? I’m looking at a possible date with a woman this weekend, so I have really been thinking a lot about this lately.

I don’t even feel ready to take them off yet, even though I do feel ready to date. I just don’t want to let go of that reminder of J yet.

I have the tattoos that honor him, so obviously he will be a part of me forever. But the rings are different. They’re tangible. I’ve worn them for almost 30 years by now. I would miss them if they were gone.

I think there’s some extremely obvious heavy deeper symbolism in that and I need to go think about what that means.

2 Comments

  1. E Quixote says:

    A high school friend and I stayed in touch but reconnected some twenty five years later. We were both single and decided to date. There was only one catch. She had stage four ovarian cancer. It happened fast and at that time it wasn’t even very painful. We made plans, and did chemo. We went places, and did chemo. We moved in together, and more chemo. And when the disease finally took her almost two years later I got out of bed, closed her eyes, and wept for what could have been. I didn’t wear a ring. But I keep a tiny locket of her ashes on a chain hanging from my rear view mirror.
    Take the rings off. Put them somewhere you will see them everyday. The rings don’t hold the memories, you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. SH says:

    I think anyone worth dating would understand about the rings. 💌

    Like

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