It all changes too fast

So I guess my male lover isn’t going to happen. I’m honestly not too disappointed and I don’t feel any sense of rejection or anything, which I guess is a good thing.

He felt like it was moving too fast and so he pulled wayyyy back. He’s a very serious-minded person and isn’t one for laughing at life, which is pretty necessary for me. I wouldn’t have made it this far if I couldn’t laugh at the absurdities of life, you know? This past year has been absolutely insane, in both good and bad ways.

I can’t help but see it as a redirection, to keep my eyes on the real prize, which will be a relationship with a woman. I’d ideally like to find another woman to marry. I would just insist on keeping my last name because I am Holly Case and have been for 28+ years. For the sake of family continuity if nothing else, it’s important to me to keep my name.

My real dream is to marry a woman who wanted to take my last name, just because I think it would be awesome to honor J that way. But if it doesn’t work out that way, I’m still fine with it.

On a totally unrelated note, I mentioned to my therapist yesterday that I don’t know what I’ll be doing for income but the Trevor Project is still in play. I’m signed up to resume my training in early February.

But they also still have a full-time counselor position available overnight, which would work well with my schedule. They are now only taking volunteers who can work overnight shifts. I’ve been getting daily emails around 11pm almost every day, saying that they have an urgent need for crisis counselors to keep up with demand. I’ve previously expressed my interest in one of those jobs and was told (before I took a break due to my mental health, which they were very supportive of) that they would be happy to have me come back, whether as a volunteer or an employee.

But then my therapist asked about how that would work with my triggers and then the whole bottom fell out.

I guess we’re going to be working on processing my childhood trauma, which is considerable. The only memory I really have at all is of feeling actively suicidal in kindergarten. I remember everything about that day because Reagan had been shot.

Other than that, I have no memories at all of my life until I was 10 years old. My therapist said that is definitely not normal. I asked if a lifetime history of depression could account for the missing memories and she said usually not.

I know that my parents were involved with a church that was more like a cult. (If you want to know more, you can look up Jesus People USA.) They got out of that when I was 10, so it makes sense as far as the timeline of missing memories.

J always swore that he figured something had happened to me in childhood. I remember that last time I went home for a visit, I asked my dad point-blank if anything had ever happened to me and he very quickly answered that he didn’t think so because my mom kept such a good eye on me.

But the Jesus People movement is known for a few things, including that many of them were sexual predators. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out that something did really happen to me. My mom wasn’t always around, you know?

Only now I have to go through this without J by my side to help me through it and I can already tell it’s probably going to be massive. My therapist thinks I’m ready and I told her almost exactly a year ago that I wanted to explore my childhood trauma.

I’m not really sure if I am really ready to face it, though. But now that I’ve seen it and have a professional opinion suggesting that it’s real, I can’t just close the box on it, even though I really really want to.

She had me finish my session with some butterfly taps (where you cross your arms and gradually lift up and set down each hand) and that exhausted me so much. I just wanted to go to sleep but I had to go get Dyl.

If yesterday was any indication of what’s to come, I’m really not looking forward to it. But I also know that it needs to be done.

She also said that she wants me to start going to ACA (adult children of alcoholics) meetings again. I went before and they were helpful but I dropped out of my group when we had to do step 7, when we were supposed to take a deeply honest self-inventory. I definitely wasn’t ready for it when I tried it years ago. Maybe I will be now, who knows.

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