Interesting things

I guess they’re interesting but maybe they’re not.

One thing is that I wrote an article for Medium about the fact that J has visited me again. I was really happy about that because I wasn’t able to contact him for over a month. I still don’t understand why sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t. But this time he did give me the ability to actually feel what it used to be like to rest my head on his shoulder, which was always very comforting to me. I can still feel it, too, which is honestly just amazing.

Someone on Medium who is a self-described medium said she had a message from someone named Jason and she wondered if “San Antonio” meant anything to me. Now, she could easily find out his first name from my FB profile, which says whom I’m widowed from. But San Antonio is a much more specific touchstone that does mean something to me and I’ve never written about it before.

She said she took that as validation of what she had experienced and she says there will be more to come. While that’s potentially exciting, I’m also naturally skeptical, especially because she mentioned a couple of other details that were way off.

One was that he was worried about the mental health of “his son,” whom she described as being 8-10 years old. Obviously his son is 20 so that doesn’t fit. But I guess maybe (??) it could mean my sister’s son, who is around that age. I don’t know if my nephew is having any mental health issues related to J’s death. I know it was his uncle but we had very little contact with him and we moved out of state when he was about 5, so I don’t even know how much he remembers us.

She also mentioned a “box in the garage” and that I would know what she was referencing. J said that I am ready to go through it now. But while we do indeed have boxes in our garage (like many people do) I have absolutely no idea what she might be referring to.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to get more involved in some social groups in DFW and will have some fun events coming up. I’m really trying to push myself to get out there more often. I also have plans with Nash on Thursday night, which should be fun. He recently got his first tattoo and he went to my tattoo artist. He loves it and he said that he always wanted to do it but only got the courage to do it after meeting me.

But Cat and I have kind of hit a little road block and I don’t know if it will become a big deal or if it won’t.

One of the social events coming up in this group we both belong to is a karaoke night. First of all, I freaking love karaoke. But the second thing about that is that she already decided to go to that event with another woman she’s dating.

I don’t mind at all that she has another date. We’ve never claimed to be exclusive or anything, we just have to be honest with each other and insist on proof of not having STDs from other partners.

What I do kind of mind, though, is that she made plans to go with this other woman to the karaoke event. If I go, I’ll have to find someone else to sit with and that sounds super awkward. I don’t have to pretend that I don’t know her or anything and I can even go up to her and this other woman and say hi.

On the one hand, I feel like it would be a lot of fun to go into extrovert mode, which karaoke often does for me. I can dress up and look hot and just have fun. It might even make her wish she had taken me instead. 😉

But on the other hand, the whole thing just feels awkward and yucky. I don’t have a problem with her taking this other woman; I’ve known about her for months now. I’ve creeped on her FB profile and she seems like someone I would genuinely like.

But this does put me in an awkward position nonetheless. Do I go and have fun without Cat and hopefully meet some other cool people to hang out with? Or do I stay home, even though I really want to go, just because it would probably be awkward for me?

I don’t really like being put in this position, TBH. It feels like Cat has staked her claim on this event and I’m butting in. I would have really liked to go, too. I understood when she said that she and this other woman had previously said that they would go to the next karaoke event together. But it still kinda makes me feel excluded and that’s really not cool.

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