Twists and turns

I had a session with a new therapist today. I got a free month for Better Help and I decided why not. It’s always a good thing to get multiple perspectives, right?

It went really well. I told her that I wanted to work on more of my past traumas because I haven’t really delved into that too much with my regular therapist.

I caught her up on the short version of my life story, in particular the experiences of recent weeks and years. I told her about how J was severely abused while growing up and at first, she thought I was going to say that he abused me, too. She was actually quite surprised when I corrected her and said that J never abused me, because he was so committed to avoiding being like his abuser.

But I did tell her about how he would turn me down for sex on a regular basis and that he was satisfying his own sexual needs by fantasizing about real-life women he knew or saw. Only because he grew up with such early exposure to porn, he was somehow able to fantasize about real women super-imposed on porn stars’ bodies. In his fantasy life (which existed long before he met me) women were like his own private harem, existing solely to please him.

If only I had known that it was a fairly common behavior among people who had been abused, maybe I could have helped him or at least have been more understanding when he finally told me what was up.

But anyway, I was also able to tell her that he came clean about all that the year after we moved back here and he became a truly wonderful husband after that.

I also mentioned my recent accident and how even the insurance adjuster said that based on the photos, I was very lucky to have survived it, even accounting for the fact that I was wearing a seat belt.

She took from that the belief that I recently nearly had a brush with death and that I’m still alive because I have a mission to fulfill.

I told her about having two trans kids and that my husband and I both absolutely support them. She asked about what Dyl thought about having two trans sisters and I said that he was also very supportive and that he even joined a group at A&M that was essentially a gay-straight alliance.

I also told her that I invited a young trans woman over to celebrate Christmas with us and that all the kids and I showed her a very welcoming spirit of acceptance. I mentioned that the priest at J’s church recommended me as someone who might be willing to do it, which of course I was. I guess I’m sorta becoming known for my spirit of acceptance, which is just mind-blowing.

My therapist today said that she was so inspired by me. She said that I’ve faced a lot more hardships than a lot of people have, yet I’m also more positive than most.

I was really surprised by that, so I told Cat and she said that she also sees me the same way. Huh.

I also mentioned to my therapist today that I’ve been considering becoming a therapist myself for at least 6-7 years. She encouraged me to absolutely go for it. She said that my perspective is actually needed and that it would be a serious asset. And she also said that from what little she knew of me so far, she thought I would be excellent at it.

She thinks that J and I obviously did a great job of raising our kids and that I should share what I know with others.

So I guess I’m back to that same old question again about whether or not to become a therapist after all. (Are you getting tired of my indecisiveness? Cat is.)

The deadline for the Texas Woman’s University masters in counseling is February 1st so I filled out my application today. I still have to get transcripts, notify my recommenders, and answer some essay questions. But the fact that I got my application in already means that I’ll be considered.

Maybe this really is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I don’t know. Honestly, I am still honestly shocked by the fact that both my therapist and Cat agree with each other that I’ve really been through a lot yet I’m still overall a pretty positive person. I don’t really see myself that way but maybe I need to start. Maybe it’s time to start creating a more confident version of myself based on the way other people see me. For far too long, I saw myself the way my former so-called best friend treated me. I was lower than dirt. I was (supposedly) consumed by jealousy. I was supposedly incredibly hateful.

Since she was literally the only person who saw me that way, maybe I need to finally wake up and realize that there really isn’t anything majorly wrong with me.

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