Happy new year (?)

So now begins the first full calendar year that J didn’t get to live long enough to see and that makes me feel all sorts of conflicting emotions.

Chloe decided that she wants to try to get a job at a vape shop, even though she doesn’t vape. She thinks it will be a nice, chill job and I agree with her. She can learn more about vaping e-liquids because Amy knows a lot about it. But she had never tried any of the Delta 8 or Delta 9 varieties of CBD they sell there. She previously tried taking marijuana edibles and they had absolutely no effect on her at all, so she didn’t think they would work for her.

I gave her two of my 10 mg edibles of Delta 9 so she could familiarize herself with them. That turned out to be an extremely bad idea and I honestly feel pretty guilty about it because I’m the one who gave them to her. 😞

They certainly knocked her on her ass. Much like Dyl did when he got way too high a few months ago, she immediately contacted me for help. I have to say that being so trusted by them when they’re experiencing something new and scary to them feels like a very important deal to me as a mom.

Unfortunately, Chloe was actually puking as a result of taking the D9. You may or may not remember that I have a pretty big puke phobia but I’m getting a lot better with it than I used to be. I stayed with her in her room until she fell asleep, just rubbing her back and her legs because she said it helped her feel better.

Then I came out and toasted to the new year with Dyl. We talked for a bit about what has changed for both of us over the past year and what we hope will be different in this coming year.

Then I wrote kind of a recap of my first year of widowhood in an article on Medium.

Last night, I did end up going to Cat’s but we first talked through my belief that we would get in a “big ass fight,” as I put it. She said she didn’t ever see herself having a “big ass fight” with me because I’m just too nice. But I did air my grievances with her before I went over and everything was worked out well enough that I could. I have to say that after the friendship I had with my former best friend, which always had a lot of bad fights, it’s really nice to have a friendship with really honest and open communication about what’s bothering us.

I also told her that I realized that I was still passively suicidal, in contrast to when I was actively suicidal after J died. I told her that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if I died. I don’t remember if we were high or not—I think we were—but she actually started crying when I told her that I felt that way.

She said that she for one would really miss me if I were gone. And she also said that there are countless others who would miss me, too, and she thinks that I’m seriously underestimating the profound impact that I make on people. As one example, she mentioned the fact that I just opened my home on Christmas to a trans woman who made the difficult decision not to see her family. Cat said that very few people would actually do that and the fact that I did so was such a clear example of the many positive ways that I impact people’s lives.

She wants to start introducing me to a lot more people, not because I lack friends (although I kinda do, in terms of real-life people I can meet up with) but because she thinks I’m so cool and so special that she doesn’t want to hog me all to herself.

I have to admit I was pretty surprised by that and I think that’s the most complimentary thing she’s ever said to me. I guess I matter more to her than I thought I did.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about my future, especially now that I have a car payment that I completely can’t afford. I’m flying by the seat of my pants and am just hoping that everything will work out. Honestly, for how bad my control-freak tendencies used to be, that’s completely and totally terrifying.

I just have to have faith somehow that everything will work out in the end for me, even though right now I don’t have any assurance of that whatsoever. But maybe Cat’s prediction and deep belief that something really good is going to happen to me financially within the next year will be true.

I certainly hope she’s right because it will be way too terrifying if she’s wrong. For now I’m pinning all my hopes on the belief that she’ll be right, which isn’t really much certainty at all.

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