A very brief update from today

I took some D9 gummies today, the same variety that I took on the eventful weekend with Cat and when I had a major breakthrough in finding my voice again and getting in touch with my anger, especially towards my mother-in-law.

Apparently, this particular hybrid of types affects me very powerfully, because it did again last night as well and it had equally powerful effects.

I felt very distinctly that I “had to get the evil out” of me. I don’t know if that just means temporary evil or if it was long term after living with J and being so deeply affected by his mom.

So what that looked like was me rolling all around on the ground, almost in a series of yoga-type poses. I was almost intuitively guided in just how to move my body to get every last kink, twist, and knot out. I can say that I got every single one.

I feel completely sore now, as a result of untwisting myself down to every level. It actually hurt to undo all that.

I finally decided just to call Cat and I’m very glad that I did. I talked with Chloe about it and she encouraged me to just talk to Cat. (Duh!) I was able to learn that this week has been so exhausting for her that she’s been just falling into bed very early, completely drained.

I get it because it’s clearly been a couple of days where everybody feels slightly off. Chloe said that work was horrible for her so we talked about that. She hasn’t even had an opportunity to submit her resignation yet so I know that wasn’t it. (I told her how to make sure her manager gets it.) She just felt like she was doing a bad job because she was entirely “on bar” today and it was hard for her, just because she feels like she wasn’t trained well enough (which she wasn’t; she barely received any training at all.) She feels like she was set up to fail and I can completely see why. She also thought of other jobs that are similarly metrics-driven in assigning hours and that makes her miserable at work. So she’s most likely not ever going to try to get rehired by Starbucks.

Dylan was also really bummed out today, having been hit with an unexpected bout of depression. I think I made it better by telling him that depression always ends, even for me and how bad it has gotten at times. And I also said that his brain was lying to him right now and not to listen to it. I assume something I said hit home because he gave me a big hug.

I also heard back from the young trans woman I invited here for Christmas, saying that she would definitely be coming. I realized that she was probably wanting to talk more because it likely didn’t go well with her mom. It turned out that I was right and I’ll talk to her tomorrow after my surgery.

But I also realized that my initial reaction to that was “ugh,” so I think that says a lot about becoming a therapist. Following up with people who are in crisis mode would be an all the time sort of thing and I actually don’t really like that at all.

I told that to Cat and she asked, “What about writing? Like not the stuff you’re currently doing but writing fiction?” And my quick answer is that I’m scared of doing it.

I think I’m going to have to write an open letter (which I probably won’t publish? maybe?) to my college writing professor to chip away some more to fully liberate my true voice.

I think I do have plenty of stories in me but I can’t get them out yet. I would bet money that’s what I’ll have to do.

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