Some small updates

I saw the orthopedist today. For one thing, they put me in a walking boot and rewrapped my hand much more securely, so I’m a lot more comfortable now. Thank goodness!

I’ll probably be in the boot for 6-8 weeks, with any luck. Hopefully I won’t be like my friend in Austin, who has been in a boot for like 6+ months because her ankle just isn’t healing up well!

I’m also having surgery on Thursday to repair my pinky finger. It’s like the world’s dumbest surgery so I assume that it will be just fine and uneventful. It’s actually kinda funny because you would think I’d be scared but I’m not at all.

I’m used to having J by my side and he obviously can’t be (except in maybe some type of supernatural way.) And I’m actually finding that the kids are just great at taking care of me, which is awesome (even though I hate it too lol.)

I can’t really believe that J’s been gone for almost a year. At this time last year he was actively dying but I didn’t realize it at the time. In a way it feels like much longer. I guess that means I’m sort of adjusting to him not being here anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I just dreamed him and if our relationship was even real at all.

I was telling Amy the other day about my sleep disorder and how I traced it back to when she was a baby. J had just told me about his uncle Gary, who had also been abused by J’s grandfather. Apparently Gary snapped under the weight of his pent-up rage and killed both of his ex-wives.

I was legitimately a bit afraid that J might snap too because he also had a lot of suppressed rage. Somewhere in the back of my mind. I never really felt safe again, even though he eventually made peace with his demons. I very rarely saw him act on his anger but I always knew it was there.

Amy asked me why I didn’t just leave him if I felt so unsafe with him and I didn’t honestly know. I guess I was just so surprised to hear anyone say that was a valid option.

It does make me wonder if her process of grieving sometimes feels strange for her because she actually had a lot of conflicting emotions about him. I’m just glad she’s seeing a therapist again.

I always thought that she probably felt like the wrong one of us died but now I’m not very sure about that.

I know from previous discussions that she thinks I was better equipped for living without him than he was about me. And I also know that when she was a young teen, she actually approached him, asking why he didn’t just divorce me because I clearly loved him more than he loved me.

I’ve always just accepted that as a fact without questioning it. But increasingly I am not seeing that as necessarily a good thing anymore.

My grieving process is all starting to become a lot more complicated, I guess.

I’m looking ahead to moving to cheaper apartments in June and probably going back to grad school next fall. I don’t actually feel like my life is over yet but more accurately, I’m just getting started. Finally. I’m almost ready to focus on myself and I’m pretty optimistic about my future. Even though I don’t even currently own a car at the moment, I still feel like I’m just not done yet.

I’m also rethinking my relationship (or whatever it is) with Cat. Yes, the sex is amazing but she’s not really giving me much else and I’m starting to believe that I deserve more. I give more and I’m really not asking too much for it to be reciprocated a little. I have a new friend I’m talking to and it may have the potential for more.

I think I deserve to pursue it further and to see what happens with it.

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