I am not even sure what day it is but I’m pretty sure it’s Monday because I have therapy tomorrow.
I am still not back to my definition of “normal.” Dylan thinks that I will eventually come back to normal as I reintegrate with myself but I am not so sure. I certainly haven’t eaten or slept remotely enough in the past 3-4 days (because I literally can’t) so I’m sure that’s playing some role in this.
But I did tell him about what’s happened with me. I told him a lot of what I wrote about in yesterday’s blog, even a lot of the sexual stuff. I don’t usually talk to him quite that openly about sex but he seemed to take it in stride. He said that my description of what sex is like with Cat is how he understands that I know I’m a lesbian, which he didn’t know before. And he also told me that he has the same type of sexual chemistry with his girlfriend and that they have both thought about making a sexual exception to the long break they’re intentionally taking from their relationship right now.
So then I had to tell Cat that I had let him read the blog and I let her read it, too. It felt like almost a violation of her consent not to, but fortunately she said it was all fine.
I asked if my perception of how I described her and our relationship (whatever this is) was accurate and she said that it was.
So now I’m still trying to reintegrate with myself. But I have at least developed a sense that everything with Cat is intact and that I’m seeing it clearly. That is at least a powerful touchstone to hold on to.
Now I just have to figure out what to do next. Since I’m so out of my head, I can’t even find one of the meds I take every night (because I was also this out of my head last night), that’s at least something.