Finding my way forward

I had some really unpleasant realizations while I was high the other night. Mostly they were things about myself that I didn’t really like.

A lot of them were things I did in the distant past and many of them don’t apply to me anymore. But it was still a very unhappy reminder of how I used to be.

For one thing, I remembered that I once felt very bad about J, particularly during the years that we were in Michigan. I remember feeling ashamed of him because he didn’t have a better job. I know a lot of that was due to the job market where we lived and that another big factor was his lack of self-confidence.

I am pretty certain that I never told him about how I felt because I knew that he was trying. But I am aware that I probably wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought I was, too. I’m sure that he still must have known how I felt.

I also got to thinking about the fact that we didn’t go to bed at the same time. At first, I thought that was just because of my sleep disorder, which I’ve had evidence of since high school at least.

But then I remembered that I used to go to bed at the same time that he did. Once it changed, it never really changed back.

I know that a very big part of that was because on some very deep level, I didn’t entirely feel safe with him. But I didn’t realize that until we had been married for a few years. I did know that he wasn’t having sex with me, which in itself became a reason to avoid going to bed when he did. It just hurt too much to be so unwanted.

When I stay the night at Cat’s, I always go to bed when she does, so I think my sleep schedule may be changeable.

On some level, I always knew that he was suppressing his anger SO much and I didn’t know if one day he would snap. (After all, he had a family history, with an uncle who killed two of his wives.)

But then I started thinking about how I’ve always liked having nice things and that I felt almost entitled to get them. And then I started thinking about times when I was really selfish and my thoughts just kinda spiraled from there.

I asked Dyl if I was selfish and irresponsible. He said absolutely not about the selfish part (I’m glad he doesn’t remember it—I wouldn’t dare ask Amy the same thing because I know she does remember.) He admitted that sometimes I do seem a little irresponsible but he also acknowledged how much better I’m doing with it now and that my efforts to be responsible are noticeable.

And then I texted Cat and she immediately called me to straighten me out. She said that I was being mean to her friend (me) and that I should stop. She doesn’t see me as selfish or irresponsible at all and if anything, it’s the opposite. So I am grateful to have a friend like her.

But let’s just say that I am really looking forward to my therapy appointment tomorrow. I have a lot to discuss. I either need to find a way to make more money or I have to learn how to be happy with a lot less. And being happy with a lot less would be hard for me.

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