Indecision

I know I said that I had decided to move to Oklahoma for the cheaper cost of living but I’m still undecided about that.

I am reconsidering whether or not to move into the low-income apartments instead. It would be a little bit more expensive than moving to Oklahoma but I’m not sure about leaving the area yet.

My kids still kinda need me here, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. By next fall, Dyl will most likely be at UNT and he’s considering living in a dorm. He actually did fairly well with that at A&M.

But he won’t have a car because he really doesn’t want one. Denton has decent public transit and for anything he needs that requires a car, Amy would be there and may be able to drive him.

I don’t know what Chloe’s going to do, though. She says that she wants to move back to some place in the Midwest, maybe Ohio, because she has friends there.

But I also know that Chloe is not usually the most motivated when it comes to making big changes. She wants to stay with Starbucks and she can transfer anywhere. But for now she might prefer to just go to Denton instead of Ohio. I don’t really know.

I think a big part of it is just that I’m not feeling ready for changes like these yet. Maybe if I am going to live on my own, it might be better to still be in the same area as my kids for now. Not so much because they need me but because I still need them.

It just feels too soon after J died, I guess. Having an empty nest would have been enjoyable and fun if he were still around but he’s obviously not.

I guess if I were seriously dating someone and they lived somewhere else, I might have the courage to go off on my own. But I’m not dating anyone seriously right now so that doesn’t apply.

I just feel so stuck in between so many major decisions. And I really don’t want to do any of them. I don’t really want to move but I have to because I’m losing so much money trying to stay in this house.

I just want J back so desperately. Everyone says the first year of widowhood is the hardest but honestly I don’t see it getting better anytime soon.

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