Prepped for dread

I’ve got the house as clean as I’m going to get it before Amy and John come over for Thanksgiving tomorrow, although I’m still going to try to vacuum up the cat litter in the living room. Overall the house doesn’t look terrible, which is really a testament to how much I’ve worked to get it this way.

I’m honestly dreading it tomorrow and I know Amy is, too. I don’t know what to do about that. It’s the first major holiday since J died and nothing feels right without him here.

I’ve been applying for jobs I’m qualified for but I never hear back. But I am at a point where I need help. I can’t pay the rent this month, which is a first. I’ll be able to get it but it’s a real struggle.

I need a job ASAP but I also don’t know if I can even do a job. It’s a real conundrum. All I know is that I have to do something or I won’t survive for very long. And that terrifies the crap out of me.

I don’t know if I’m going to be okay or not. I might have to move back home to Michigan because it’s so much cheaper there but I really really don’t want to. I just can’t seem to get it together enough to make it work on my own and that makes me feel like such a colossal failure that I can’t even put it into words.

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