So worried

I am really worried about my future and whether or not I’m going to be okay in the end.

I don’t make nearly enough money to support myself and spend the money that I do on the kids. I don’t have to spend much on them but there are still little things I do to try to make their lives better. But very often that’s at the expense of what will be best for me in the long run.

For example, I buy whatever ingredients Dyl asks for to make dinner for us. I shouldn’t really be spending that much and we should be eating a lot simpler meals than we are. I pay for Dyl to go to therapy, which is less expensive than many therapists but I still spend $150 a month on that and that really adds up.

I don’t really worry about spending $20 here or there but I have to realize that I am legit actually really poor right now. This is only sustainable because I can take money out of the life insurance policy to get by but that’s definitely not going to last forever at this rate.

I have to buckle down and buck up and get motivated to do whatever it takes to support myself. But I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do that at all and I don’t know why I don’t.

I know that I need to and I know that it’s already an emergency. But I am just so tired all the time.

I think I finally got a clue about what’s going on with my health and lack of energy today, though. I spent the night at Cat’s house last night and wore my Apple Watch to sleep. I slept for 8 hours and 40 minutes and it took me an unbelievably long time to wake up. I swear that I could have fallen back asleep at any moment for nearly a half-hour.

She suggested that I download an app to track my sleep, so I did. It said that my sleep quality was like 80 percent, so I should have felt very well-rested. But I didn’t and I was so tired that I could barely function. (Meanwhile, Cat’s sleep quality was at like 33 percent and she was still able to wake up and get going.)

Then I looked at my heart rate variability and it was so absolutely abnormal that it has me feeling completely terrified now. It said that compared to other women my same age and BMI, my heart rate variability was worse than all but 6 percent.

I looked it up and heart rate variability is apparently a pretty major predictor of future heart problems. Not surprisingly, my brain never fully lets go of the amount of stress I feel, so I’m always in fight or flight mode.

The thing is that my mom had a heart attack when she was only 5 years older than I am now. I’ve had my heart checked out and everything came back perfect, no plaques or blockages or anything.

But the thing is that my mom’s heart looked exactly the same after her heart attack, too; she didn’t have any plaques or blockages, either.

So now I’m wondering if I’m a sitting duck for a heart attack, too. Only now I don’t have a husband to take care of me and that’s even more terrifying. I want to get out of the US so I have access to more affordable healthcare but I am too scared to go alone. I don’t think I would last long in a totally new country where I don’t know anyone.

I have to figure out how to really relax and turn off my stress before it might actually kill me. But I also need to figure out how to really buckle down and get a lot more work done, despite how constantly tired and exhausted I am.

I’ve thought about trying to see if I could make things work with one of the many, many men who like my dating profile and want to meet me. Sure, I’m not attracted to them and I would greatly prefer to be in a relationship with a woman but they’re not exactly beating down my door. But hey, since I’m apparently failing at taking care of myself, maybe I could find another man to marry who would help with the bills.

But I also know that that’s really gross and really dishonest. I’m just really feeling that desperate.

It all just feels really impossible and like I’m not going to make it and I don’t know what I’ll do then. I’m honestly feeling like it’s all so impossible that I might as well die so at least I could give the kids the rest of the money I have left from J.

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