Stuck in the muck

I don’t even know what’s going on with me lately but I can’t seem to make any progress on anything. It’s like I just have to stay put and get through this weird time.

I guess on the bright (??) side, getting high allows me to escape the anxiety for a few hours. I can’t do shit while I’m high (which sucks) but it does help me eat more, so I guess that’s good maybe. I know I’m just escaping my problems when I do that but honestly I feel like I need to escape them for a while. I can’t seem to do anything else anyway.

I realized that I’m actually still affected much more than I thought by “widow brain.” I can usually keep track of what I absolutely need to do, like keeping appointments and such. But that’s literally all I can do right now, which I find incredibly, immensely frustrating.

I can’t seem to change my sleep schedule (which is not surprising because I have been diagnosed with an actual sleep disorder.) But I also have lots of other stuff I would like to do and in some cases, need to do, and I just can’t.

I need to keep cleaning my bedroom, bathroom, and closet but most days I can only do one task towards that end. Today I got both sinks in my bathroom scrubbed and cleaned off the countertops. That feels like such a momentous victory yet I know in reality that it’s next to nothing.

I still have lots and lots of stuff to list for sale and I just don’t have the energy right now to list any of it.

I want to write a return letter to this woman who was in my former home team from church. She wrote me a letter last Christmas saying she hoped I was doing well. At the time I wrote her a reply that J was going on hospice but he died before I could even mail it. So I guess I need to write and tell her that J died but that feels awkward and complicated (even though it’s probably not.)

I also want to start writing some books but I just can’t get motivated. It seems like there must be more that I can do to improve my situation but I just don’t feel even remotely able to do so.

I read in one of my support groups for widows that people are still dealing with widow brain for years. The lack of motivation is a very common thing with that. But I can’t be dealing with this for years. I’m still worried about the money I loaned my friend. She’s just completely ghosted me and I haven’t heard from her at all in months.

I’ve pretty much determined that she was intentionally setting me up to be taken advantage of one more time. And that’s absolutely my fault for being so gullible but it’s also a very deep regret.

I screwed myself over and now I have to fix it. I’m sure that someday I’ll figure out how to get out of this and put some concrete steps in motion. But today is not that day and I’m not sure when I will have that kind of capability again.

Losing J has all these ripple effects and I’m left trying to piece everything back together and it’s so incredibly difficult.

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