It’s winding down but I’m not

I probably seem like I’m all over the place and it’s true: I am.

Although I have moments like I did the other day, when I wrote that I was grateful—and that was true—I also have moments like these, where I’m overwhelmed and overcome by sheer panic and terror.

I think my mom is finally figuring out that I am both at alternating times. I can be great and hopeful and confident one day and then barely hanging on the next day.

I realized today that I’m starting to be very very aware of what was happening at this time last year.

It’s kinda funny in a way because the events of the months of November and December last year were so completely traumatic and I didn’t let myself feel what was really happening last year at all.

For one thing, J’s condition declined so incredibly rapidly over these two months last year that I didn’t even really recognize that it was the end until after the fact.

This year, I feel it so deeply. I can’t escape it no matter what I do. And now I am truly realizing exactly how horrible those months were and what J and I went through together.

That was an extremely traumatizing time and now I get to deal with it. It’s almost like my brain shut down completely just to get through November and December last year but now my brain is like tapping me on the shoulder, saying “hey, remember what you didn’t deal with last year? Now it’s time and you’re going to.”

Everything reminds me of it. The darkening skies earlier in the evenings and the cooler weather. The fact that it’s going to be time to change the clocks back from daylight savings time this weekend. It all just feels so familiar and I hate every minute of it.

My anxiety is steadily increasing and nothing I do will alleviate it. And now I finally understand why. All the stuff I couldn’t process last year because it was too traumatic is now back and it won’t let me go.

I don’t know how I will get through the next few months. I don’t even know if I will make it through the next couple of months.

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