Anxiety and panic

Sometimes, I deal with really major anxiety and panic. This is one of those times.

Dyl asked Sav’s dad to take him to work and he said no. Okay, so back to the drawing board. Chloe can take him on days when she doesn’t work earlier than that. I can possibly take him (ugh) unless I get the job at JCPenney. We finally came up with him taking Lyft, especially if he only needs to take it one way.

But that’s even IF I do get the job at JCP. I thought I was a shoo-in for Williams Sonoma because they offered me a job before.

But I reapplied again recently and already got a rejection letter. I know what was different about my application this time: I couldn’t do well on one of the pre-employment tests. You had to look at a series of two words and press the letter F if they were different in meaning or the letter J if they were similar.

I just couldn’t do it at all and kept getting totally confused. I know that how well I can do with such tasks has to do with how much stress I’m under and I’m just really not functioning well enough right now.

But the question remains whether or not I’ll get hired by JCP and if I do, if I’ll be able to make it through a month of training on first shift. I couldn’t make it last time I tried. My mom said it might be different now because I don’t have as much of a safety net if I fail, because I didn’t fail when I had a month worth of training on first shift when I got the job when we moved down here.

The thing is that was 8 years ago. My disability in general has progressed a lot in the past 8 years. And rather than feeling like I can’t afford to fail and therefore I won’t, the pressure I feel actually makes it more likely that I would.

No, it’s not that I’m “thinking negative,” as she would say. It’s that I know how this works by now. Feeling pressure almost always makes me perform much more poorly.

And meanwhile Dyl doesn’t know if he wants to get his own car because he doesn’t want all the associated expenses of having one. My mom really took me to task over that and said she was “worried that he wasn’t prepared to be an adult” and that I should make him pay for my car insurance and gas, which makes no sense to me at all.

Frankly, I am a lot more worried about Chloe than I am about Dyl. Yes, he doesn’t want to drive (but he does want to learn how.) He has a ton of anxiety about driving, which I think is understandable since he was with Chloe when she got hit by a car when she was 14.

But that’s the only way in which Dyl’s not ready for adulthood. He helps worlds more with things around the house than Chloe does. He also got a job way before Chloe did (and Chloe was not looking very hard for one at all.) He has also actually lived on his own in the dorms at A&M and he liked it.

I’m already super anxious about my own prospects. I don’t actually know if I’m going to be okay in the long run. And my mom expressing her concerns about Dyl just made it a whole lot worse.

1 Comment

  1. Wishing you all health and happiness

    Liked by 1 person

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