Desperation

I’m trying so hard to stay positive but it’s not working very well at all.

I had an interview scheduled with a major company for a remote customer service job. The training was on first shift but the actual work itself was second shift.

They completely ghosted me for my scheduled interview, despite sending me two reminders today by text and email (so a total of four reminders.) I can’t even believe it or understand it.

To be honest, I am not even sure that I could make it through training. Last time I tried, I only made it through 6 days before my body refused to wake up on time. But there was also a lot of stress with that job, which surely compounded the issue, as stress always makes my symptoms much worse.

I had computer problems that were not my fault and I was working on a computer they provided to me. I had to completely wipe my whole hard drive and it took a super long time. I worked 2 hours over my scheduled time and it still wasn’t fixed. I worked most of the last day after they got my computer fixed but they told me I might have to rejoin a different training session because of the time I missed.

Still, I am just feeling so hopeless and desperate. I haven’t heard a single word from the friend I loaned money to. I don’t actually know if I will be okay or not.

Any of the places I would like to move to are more expensive than it is here. I don’t know if my goal to write books and publish them on Amazon will be viable, either. I found someone on Medium who has written 18 books and she’s made less than $700 total.

I would do something else like customer service but I can’t seem to even get a job. I seriously don’t know what I’m going to do next and it terrifies the hell out of me.

What’s even the point of making a stupid vision board, anyway? It’s not like it will really make a difference in the outcome.

I miss J. Everything would still be scary if he were here but I wouldn’t be going through it alone.