I am suddenly feeling a lot better about a lot of things.
I am still very distressed by what J told me about Amy the other night. I will probably take a break from trying to contact him for a while just so I can try to process that.
But in the meantime, other good things have happened.
First of all, I have decided to take a road trip. I think I’m going to go up to Colorado with Dyl and Sav. I want to check out Boulder in particular as a possible place to move. I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned that here before or not.
When I called my dad for his birthday last week, he told me that he thought that I would love Boulder. He also gave me permission to live anywhere in the US (he didn’t specify areas outside the US but I’m sure he would be okay with it if I found a place where I could be happy.)
Somehow just getting that permission changed everything for me. I really could get out of here if I chose to and that makes me feel so much better. Texas really is becoming the kind of place where I don’t want to be anymore.
I want to live by mountains or water. I’m not sure about cold weather again so I’ll keep that in mind.
But I want to see if there are other parts of the US where I could be happier before I give up on the States entirely. There are still problems here—namely the healthcare system. But maybe being in a more liberal place would be enough to make it tolerable.
The other thing is that I went to see Cat last night. She called me just to chat and I brought up the possibility of rekindling our physical relationship with less pressure on it.
I went to her house and it was so good. I was going to stay the night but I ended up being unable to sleep because my sleep is so fucked up lately. It was just wonderful to go over as myself, glasses on and no makeup, and not feel any kind of nervousness.
I was able to talk to her as a friend and I knew she cared (and she did the same.) And I realized that this is a different kind of relationship than I’ve ever been in and I can’t define it and don’t think I need to.
I have a type of “love” for her but it’s totally different than anything else I’ve ever experienced. It’s not at all like my relationship was with J and won’t ever be. But I can say that on my part it is a type of love. She wouldn’t say the same because she’s very uncomfortable with the word.
I am not, though, because I’m learning that there are many different types of love. This is friendship plus sex. Really good sex, I might add, and I am further convinced that I am really a lesbian. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be the same because I stopped taking estrogen and didn’t take a weed edible, so I was totally sober. That apparently did not matter at all.
So I’m finding out who I really am and am appreciating different people and what they bring to my life without wanting it to be more than it is. It’s actually really nice.
And now I’m going to have to work on writing some books so that I will have the money to live somewhere more expensive than here. I think it might all work out.