J’s visit

It seems like he’s visiting me a lot lately, doesn’t it?

On the one hand, it’s very comforting to hear from him. It almost makes me feel like he’s not entirely gone, which is really cool.

He gave me messages to give to each of the kids but Amy requested that I not give her the message because she doesn’t find it helpful.

Everything he told me was overall okay or helpful—except for one thing.

He said that I will probably leave this area within a year or two and that possibly only Dyl will move with me. Whether or not Dyl and I will be roommates is still unknown; we might just live in the same city.

I mentioned that to both Chloe and Dyl and they seemed to find it agreeable and probably likely. Chloe has an independent streak and wants to try living on her own and Dylan is more open to seeing where life takes him.

But the other thing J told me is that I am most likely going to lose Amy. He told me when and how she would die.

At first I was really, deeply distressed by this. Actually, I still am and I don’t have anyone to talk through these feelings with.

He said that the circumstances we’re born into and the timing and circumstances around our death are pretty much pre-determined before we’re born. He was trying to tell me about Amy’s death so that I could try to prepare for it but also because he wanted me to know that it absolutely isn’t my fault.

I really, really don’t want this to be true. And maybe it won’t be. But in the meantime I just wish there were someone who could give me a hug and tell me that if that really does happen, I will be okay. Because right now I don’t feel like I will.

Not only do I have to try to keep myself alive but also my kids and sometimes that feels nigh unto impossible.

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