The blahs

I’m making it through, I guess.

I’m still waiting to find out if Chloe got the job. She’s waiting to hear back on her background check to find out if she got the job or not.

Dyl is taking the time off work to learn coding skills but he hasn’t been able to work on that yet, which worries me a lot.

I wrote at Medium about my relationship with my mother-in-law, just to try to process it. My mom thinks that no good can come of it because I’m still letting my MIL live in my head but she also doesn’t seem to understand how hard it is for me to stop letting her do so.

The woman was part of my life for almost 30 years, you know? She may have decided that’s it, we’re done now, but I can’t necessarily shut it off that easily.

But I did realize after writing that she deals with a lot of conflicts this way. She just decides that someone is now dead to her and that’s the end of it.

I am not like that, though. Ending a relationship of any sort is usually a big deal to me.

I also realized that even though my friend said she would start paying me in September, the month is almost over and I haven’t seen any money from her, nor even gotten an email about it.

I think it’s most likely that she will never pay me back and will probably never say another word to me. Whether it’s what she intended all along or not, it certainly does leave the strong impression that she really was using me the whole time and played me for a sucker. After all, if she wasn’t, she would surely say so.

Realizing that my supposed “best friend” came into my life after J died and got a whole bunch of money from me still makes me feel sick inside. I know it’s her karma and not mine. But I also just see my money running out and that I’m not getting jobs I apply for and Chloe is also having a hard time finding work, too, and I don’t know what else to do. I am freaking the fuck out.

I don’t know if I’m going to have to move back home to Michigan or not. J always warned me against that because he felt strongly that doing so would lead to an early death for me. I don’t even completely disagree but it just feels increasingly unsustainable to stay here right now and I don’t know how to fix it.

I just feel so beaten down and hopeless. I need to do something to change my situation but I don’t even know how.

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