Today was just a day fading into another

Can anyone guess the song from the title? It’s actually one of the most depressing songs of all time because it speaks to depression so well.

But I’m not actually that depressed, I’m just blah.

I was a good mom today, so I guess that counts for something. Dyl lost his wallet and still can’t find it, which may become a problem in the coming days. But he wanted to get a Starbucks drink at Kroger on his break in honor of his last day and had no access to cash. But I sent him a gift card for a drink so he could still get one with his phone.

He thanked me, of course. But what he doesn’t know is how truly scared I am about him quitting his job. I’ve expressed my concerns but I also certainly understand why he wants some time off to study.

I just feel like I’m constantly on the precipice where things could go either way and that makes me really uneasy.

I also had the extremely delayed reaction to J’s death today, 8.5 months after it happened. I just suddenly realized that he’s not coming home, not ever. And I don’t know how to cope with that at all.

It’s like half of me just isn’t here anymore. And that sucks so much. I just want him back, dammit. Life is not the same without him at all. He was a part of my life for so long.

I want to write more about my MIL and how she has destroyed my relationship with J’s sister. But I know that neither my MIL or my SIL are ready or willing to change anything, so it would just be like screaming into the void.

I guess the one bit of good news today is that I got my treadmill working again, so that’s a relief.

However, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trying to move to income-restricted apartments in Denton. Since my rent is going up a lot and our utilities are much, much higher here than they are in the city of Denton, it just really makes sense from a financial perspective. I would easily save $500+ a month, which I really need to do.

I don’t look forward to cutting back on my possessions enough to fit into half the square footage and I don’t remember apartment life fondly, but it’s probably what I need to do and the only question is when.

It would help Dyl to be closer to the university there too and he might not even need a car.

But I would have to go through all of J’s things to be able to move and I can’t even move his coffee cup from the table he sat by in his final days. I don’t know how or when I’ll be ready to throw things out or give them away. Hell, I’m just now starting to grasp that he’s actually gone.