J visited me yet again

I really don’t know why it’s happening but J is continuing to contact me. I really don’t know why it’s happening more frequently but I am so grateful for it.

This time, he again stayed for quite a while and unlike in past visits, this time he gave me messages to pass along to each of the kids, too.

I am not even sure how to organize my thoughts well enough to write about this but I’ll try.

He said that Dyl and I will always be close and that we’ll always be each other’s biggest supporters. He approves of the fact that Dyl and I have been going together to get tattoos and piercings (though it’s usually only Dyl and his girlfriend getting piercings.) He said that we should both feel absolutely free to express ourselves however we want to.

We’re going together to see The 1975 in November, which was the last concert I went to with J. He said that as far as experiences go, I’ll still feel like the show I went to with him was better but that we’ll have a good time.

He also said to tell Dyl that he was proud of him for quitting his job (which honestly has not been something I’ve been super supportive about) and that he knew what it was like because J worked for Kroger for 3 years, including while we were dating. He said that he realized that he stayed at a lot of jobs where he was undervalued because of fear and that he’s happy to see Dylan realizing that he can do better.

He also said that for both me and Dyl, we both just need to have more confidence in ourselves and our abilities.

He also told me that he thought he was wrong when he suggested that I might end up with a man someday and we talked a lot about that, too. He doesn’t blame me for anything and he said that I loved him very well. He also took ownership of how messed up he was about everything related to sex and that I shouldn’t blame the fact that I was actually a lesbian for any of it.

He also said that he has all our cats who have died with him (as well as the child I miscarried right before I got pregnant with Chloe, which I always assumed was just Chloe waiting around to be born at a better time.) He said that he called Hermione to come home with him, even though he was sorry that her death being so close to his was hard on us.)

He said that she was getting hard for us to take care of (true; she was having a lot of accidents) and that she was suffering because she missed him. And he said we did the right thing by ending Scotchy’s suffering, which was also kinda surprising because we had never euthanized a pet before.

He showed me what the pets look like now where he is and they’re undefinably younger and healthy again. And he also said that he did indeed send Batsu to us, which is confirmation of what I’ve always believed. Batsu is both so crazy that he’s entertaining but also really cuddly and sweet. (In fact, he slept with me for a couple of hours last night. Sometimes he also sleeps with Dyl.)

He also suggested that late in life, I may move back to Michigan, but it won’t be any time soon. He thinks I may go back so that I can hang out more with my friend Deb. He said we’ll have our own houses but that I will like doing a lot of the activities that she does (like hiking in the woods and fishing.)

He really told me just so many little details, even about some seemingly inconsequential things (like what to do if I can’t get my treadmill to work again.)

I just really strongly feel like he’s watching out for me and I really appreciate that and especially the amount of hope it gives me.

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