Anxiety rules the days

I’m so anxious lately about pretty much everything. It’s not even rational but I can’t seem to get free of it.

Chloe still hasn’t found a job. And Dyl put in his two week notice at his job. I know that his job has really made him miserable and it’s taken up so much time.

I guess that once he’s done with work, I will have a much easier time with teaching him to drive. His work schedule is such that he hasn’t been able to get there at any of their available times.

However, I’m also very unhappy with the driving instruction and the staff there has been super rude to me, so I don’t know if I will have to find a way to get him some driving instruction otherwise. If I do, that’s going to cost several hundred dollars that I can’t really afford to spend.

But one way or another, I have to get him driving soon and then help him look for a car of his own. Once he has that, my life will be a lot easier.

I also feel a lot of anxiety about the fact that Chloe is draining her savings to help me out because that was her fund for gender change. She’s trying really hard to get hired at Starbucks, where they will cover the associated costs.

I could also try to get hired by the Trevor Project because their insurance would also cover those costs. But I took a break from my training with them because the training was increasing my anxiety. I’m supposed to let them know by later this month if I want to restart my training, in which case I wouldn’t have to reapply. But at this current moment, I still don’t feel ready.

I feel like I’m in limbo and I just want things to get easier. And they’re not. I know that my biggest challenge is to stay present in the moment and not be looking ahead to the future. The future looks pretty terrifying, I’m not going to lie.

But as Chloe reminded me earlier, I just have to focus on the now. And right now I have all my needs met. Dyl has plenty of money saved up because he has banked most of his checks. He plans to try to learn some coding for a while and see if having more skills can help him get a better job.

Everything will probably be fine in the end. But in the meantime, nothing is under control and nothing is going according to plan. I’m not as much of a control freak as I used to be but this is still a bit much to handle, even for me.

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