Finally a free weekend

I’m actually so relieved that Cat and I ended things because now I finally have a free weekend again. I’d have to go back through my archives but I think I spent every weekend with her for like the past 3 months.

Usually we only spent most of two days together every weekend but it resulted in me not getting a whole lot of things done. So now I can catch up on them and I’m so excited about that.

I think I’m going to try to make a lot of progress on cleaning my bedroom, bathroom, and bedroom closet.

I’m still trying to sort out how I feel about the whole thing but apparently she and I are not going to maintain our friendship. Maybe she’s read what I wrote here but I’m okay with that if that’s the case.

She was so stressed out and judgmental of me pretty much all the time. For example, she was judgmental of both my sleep schedule and my disorganized phone. But I didn’t care about what she did with either in regards to herself because I didn’t feel like it was my business. I got a lot more stressed myself, which is absolutely awful for my health.

I don’t think that I did too much wrong in the relationship, though she might see it differently, I don’t know. I know for sure that I was pretty flaky in the very beginning but after that I don’t think I was. I didn’t ask for anything from her, certainly not any help paying my bills or anything. I tried very hard to keep her updated about my schedule because I knew that she didn’t deal well with sudden changes. It just felt like the respect in general didn’t go both ways.

Again, maybe she’d have a different view of things but I just really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. I was very patient with her anxiety and tried really hard to minimize her stress.

But I’ve also thought more about the polyamorous thing and the more I think about it, the more pissed off I am and the more sure I am that it’s not what I want.

Amy came over yesterday and I told her that I had ended things with Cat. Her take on the poly situation was exactly what I have felt but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I am sure that there are some poly individuals who manage to do so respectfully and maturely. But in my experience so far, I haven’t seen any examples of people in poly relationships who seem to be particularly healthy or mature. (Then again, Dyl pointed out that many monogamous people are emotionally unavailable, too, which I’m sure is true. I don’t have much patience with that anymore at all because I feel like I’ve already done my time in that sort of relationship.)

Amy said much the same and said that everyone she’s ever known who got into poly relationships ended up getting hurt much worse than people in other relationships. Amy, being naturally blunt as always, said that she thought most people in poly relationships feared commitment and were emotionally immature and unavailable.

I have to admit that I’m inclined to agree with her. I have not had good experiences with it at all and I don’t think I want to try again.

Someday I would like to find a new partner but I think that’s going to be a long way off. I still have so much healing to do and I honestly find that a little intimidating.

I also really feel like I just want to run away from my life in general. I suppose that’s an improvement from being actively suicidal but it still doesn’t feel good, either.

I’m tempted to move back to Michigan, to move anywhere with a cheaper cost of living, to move to another country altogether (but where?)

I don’t know where I’ll be or what the future holds and I find that all so terribly unsettling. I constantly feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I don’t know if it’s anxiety or what. I just don’t feel like myself at all anymore and everything is scary.

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