For one thing, I already feel so much better since breaking things off with Cat. I mean, so much. I realized after the fact just how much being in a relationship with her was stressing me out.
I think the biggest reason for that was mostly just that she herself was always so stressed out and she often made me stressed out as well, just trying to prevent her stress.
But I’m also thinking about a lot of other stuff. Like whether or not there’s a link between my leukodystrophy and my sleep disorder. That’s something that my therapist brought up yesterday and I’m still thinking about it.
Since there is so little that’s known about my sleep disorder (though there is some promising research about it) and there is literally nothing at all that’s known about my leukodystrophy, I am not finding much when I try to research it.
But it also makes me feel really afraid. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have a good career at all and I might have a future full of poverty and pain.
It also makes me miss J so much more. He just understood me and didn’t try to change me. Finding that again may be completely impossible. I may end up being completely alone for the rest of my life, dependent on my kids for my survival.
I try to think that things could change for the better at any point and maybe they will. But I also don’t know that for sure and the uncertainty terrifies me.
I feel like I have this somewhat extraordinary talent for writing but as of right now, I don’t know if my struggles with writing are just because I’m both exhausted and grieving or if I lack self-discipline.
Then there are also my questions about whether or not J and I were an emotionally healthy couple, just because we were so enmeshed with one another. Everything I found about enmeshment seemed to say that it’s always unhealthy. But especially in the later years, I found our relationship comforting. What if it really was unhealthy and I didn’t know it?