I learned something about myself

I am apparently just not the kind of person who can have casual sex.

I have pretty much ended things with Cat. I genuinely feel bad about it because it seems to have caused her a great deal of stress. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I think we both ended up hurt out of this.

It was supposed to be that our relationship was just true friends with benefits (as opposed to just “fuck buddies.”) We were indeed pretty good friends but I don’t know if we’ll still be able to be friends now; I guess only time will tell.

But it really started to make me feel very uncomfortable that I wasn’t developing more feelings for her. And I guess I have to try harder to understand why that made me so uncomfortable.

I know that sex causes your body to release oxytocin, which is a hormone that usually creates bonding. So I don’t understand why that didn’t work—and more importantly, why it felt so wrong that I wasn’t developing those feelings for her.

Perhaps the weirdest part to me was that she was upset with me for saying that I didn’t feel good about it. She seemed to take it very personally, even though she was almost constantly telling me that she didn’t want me to develop feelings for her. It seems to me like the fact that I wasn’t developing feelings was exactly what she wanted.

But I’ve also realized that in many ways, the relationship with her was actually significantly adding to my stress levels. She was usually very impatient for me to get to her house, and I found myself always taking the highway express lanes so I would get there faster (which was very expensive, I might add.) I remember that the day that Dyl and I got tattoos together, it took much, much longer than I expected and I was so stressed about being late to go see her.

It should be noted that it wasn’t that I wanted to get there faster but that she reacted so badly to me being late. It was just so much pressure on me.

She also had little personal preferences that were different from me and she seemed pretty judgmental of the fact that I was different. For example, my inbox is perpetually full and my phone screen is cluttered and not neatly organized.

That was something that really seemed to bother her. I get being more organized and having preferences but why should she care what I do with my own phone?

I also realized that I am really not much of a control freak, and certainly far less than I used to be. She is still very early in her recognition of her own control freak tendencies and honestly still has a long way to go. She has a lot of anxiety, about which I’m very sympathetic because I’ve had my own major struggles with the same.

But being around her actually increased my anxiety quite a bit. That’s just not healthy for me at all.

So it’s back to the single life for me, probably for quite a while. I do feel like it may be a big struggle for me to find someone who can accept my sleep issues. But at least I won’t have anyone trying to make me feel ashamed about them, either, which is actually worth quite a lot.

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