The blahs

I’m apparently not ready yet for even being in a casual relationship.

I spent last night at Cat’s and I had a horrible night of sleep, which was almost completely attributable to the fact that I took a maximum dose of my stimulants to be able to power through the whole day without a nap.

Then Cat and I got to talking and she said that she didn’t ever see us becoming more seriously involved. That part was honestly fine with me, as I don’t ever see it becoming more, either.

But then I made the stupid, stupid mistake of asking why, just because I am always curious about everything. I really wished that I wouldn’t have asked.

One of the biggest reasons was because of my sleep schedule. And, just…ouch. I get that she is really schedule-driven; it seems to be part of her personality. And she knows that I really can’t help how my schedule is and felt bad because she knew it would make me feel bad about something I have no control over, which it did.

I felt so lucky and grateful that J accepted my weird sleep schedule as normal and didn’t ask me to change it. I do still feel bad and guilty that I wasn’t able to change my sleep schedule enough even when he was dying.

But honestly, I never realized that it would be a big problem with other partners, which I guess was very naive on my part.

I also think that I have been just too much to handle in general because she said she was thinking about breaking things off. That just hurts because it makes me wonder how I can still be too much if we’re just true friends with benefits. But she also said she didn’t want me to overthink that, which is pretty much impossible. Of course I’m going to overthink it.

My mind is just constantly going going going, all the time. It’s exhausting even to me. She doesn’t even know what it’s like in my head and she said that it exhausts her how much my mind goes. The only time my brain is totally quiet is when I’m asleep.

I wonder if all my lost white matter in my brain is a result of my mind just constantly running. Maybe it has prematurely aged my brain. (And yes, I do need to do better about meditating more often.)

I need to find out what I’ve done wrong, not in an attempt to change her mind but to figure out how to fix it before I attempt any other relationships. Apparently keeping things casual and sex-only still isn’t casual enough to overcome all the things that are wrong with me.

But there is something else “wrong” with me, and maybe this is the crux of the issue behind it for her, too: I just don’t seem to be cut out for such casual no-strings attached relationships. It’s definitely not her fault, as she’s been clear about it from the beginning. But it makes me feel vaguely used, which I made the mistake of telling her. It’s not anything she’s doing wrong, though I can understand why she took it poorly.

It’s not about whether or not she does anything to show appreciation for my efforts. It’s all about me and what I want out of even a casual relationship. I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near ready for a capital-R Relationship yet by any means. But I think this is too casual for me.

I guess I want a relationship that’s a little more than just sex, even if the sex is really good. I don’t know in what way I would want more, to be honest. But I just don’t feel totally comfortable with a relationship in which I’m pretty much constantly reminded to not get feelings. I’m not even sure if I would develop feelings but there’s something about being told both explicitly and through actions not to get attached that doesn’t sit well with me.

Maybe this means that I’m not meant to be polyamorous. Or maybe it means that it’s still too soon. Or maybe it’s just that I want to feel a little more like I’m special, even if not relationship material per se.

J set the bar pretty high for acceptance of me. And beyond that, the relationship landscape has changed in a whole lot of ways that I’m not really comfortable with yet.

I really, really miss J a lot. He never made me feel like I was too much or too intense.

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