Rollercoaster of a day

I reached a breaking point early in the day yesterday. I guess it all started when the driving school didn’t have an instructor show up for what I thought was our scheduled lesson for Dylan.

I contacted them and they not only didn’t apologize for the mixup, they also tried to play it off as my fault for not noticing that the scheduled dates were 9/9 and 9/16. I don’t even know if he’ll have those days off and this is getting to be an enormous hassle getting him in for the driving instruction part of the course.

I may end up just asking for a partial refund and teaching him myself, which defeats the whole purpose.

But from there, I just spiraled out of control. Everything looked like it would be the worst-case scenario and I felt completely doomed.

So I called on a bunch of reinforcements, including an emergency call to my therapist and then a lengthy call to Amy.

The call with Amy was by far the most helpful. I ended up talking to her for over an hour and a half. She reminded me of my backup plans in the event of a worst-case scenario, including that we could move into her apartment on a short-term basis.

She also reminded me that it’s not always going to be like this and this is, in fact, part of my mid-August curse that I have faced most years. Something bad always happens to me in mid-August, unfortunately. And it’s not that I expect it because I had actually forgotten about it.

The most interesting thing that she told me by far was that J and I had two distinct roles in our marriage. He was the provider and I was the “healer,” especially when it came to emotional issues. For some reason, I just found that very interesting.

Now, it’s time to turn that focus on myself and I don’t really know how to do it. I am much better equipped to handle other people’s problems rather than my own.

We also talked a bit about codependency and she agrees with me that J and I weren’t codependent but we were very enmeshed and insular. I’m trying to change that now because frankly I always wanted to before.

In the end, I made a huge amount of progress on cleaning my bedroom today, which I’ve needed to do before J died. I’m not anywhere close to done with it yet but I can finally see an end in sight (even if it’s far off in the distance.)

Maybe I’ll end up being okay after all.

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