I’m realizing that I am way too nice and it results in people taking advantage of me.
I think I’m finally getting sick of it, though, which is really a shame. That means that most people really are just out for themselves and only want to see who they can scam.
I don’t think that most of the people who have gotten help from me intended to scam me, even though several people have told me otherwise. Maybe my “friend” really wasn’t my friend at all and just saw that I was an incredibly easy mark after I lost my husband and she swooped in with the intention of getting a bunch of money from me.
I don’t want to believe that at all. But the way she reacted to me asking for the money back certainly does seem to make a strong argument for the possibility that I was intentionally set up for a scam. Several people seem to think so, which just makes me feel sick.
Meanwhile, I’ve tried to help out two people I know from back home, and both of them have approached me for more than what I initially offered, which I didn’t give to them.
And part of me understands that, since I lived there for so long. You get so beaten down by everyday life and how hard it is that if someone shows you a little kindness, I can understand why you would want more. Your needs are never met and you’re just so desperate for any help from anyone.
I never asked anyone for help when I lived there because I didn’t expect to get any help. And I admit that a tiny part of me just wants other people to realize the same about me now, which sucks. I understand why they need help.
But I can’t be the one to give it, at least not until some future date when (hopefully) things will settle down for me again. And I wish people had the common sense to realize that I can’t help them, no matter how much I want to.
That’s assuming that I will get past this. Right now, I’m not entirely sure that I will and that makes me feel so worried about my future. Even to the point that I wonder if I can even still try to stay alive.
I’m not actively suicidal but I do also feel like I’m going down the drain fast and it might be better to take myself out while I still have money left to leave to the kids for their survival. If I keep going, I may not have any money left and I am so, so scared.
But the people who have approached me for more help—and I guess my “friend” too—don’t seem to realize how precarious my situation is. I am terrified every single day and it’s only getting worse.
On that note, I do wonder if the ketamine is helping me or not. I’m really nervous about doing it again. It may just be a coincidence but my stress has really ramped up since the last time I did it. “They” say that you should see a noticeable improvement in depression symptoms after your second treatment but I actually think I’m getting worse.
Of course, that could just be completely coincidental, too; several bad things have happened since then. But at the same time, I’m really not sure that I want to do it again, either.
I just want my stress to go away and I don’t know how to make it stop.