Fear settles in

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m going to be okay because right now I definitely don’t feel like it.

My leukodystrophy has flared up again for the first time in about four years. I have to write another check against the life insurance policy, which makes me feel like such a failure. After all, J said he was worried that I’d spend through it all too quickly.

The one frivolous expense I purchased from the life insurance money was two new dressers for my bedroom. We still have hand-me-down dressers that we got from J’s grandparents, as well as the one J had from his childhood.

And now I’m just wondering if those new dressers were really that important. Right now they’re just sitting in my dining room because I have to get the clothes out of my other dressers to be able to make space for them in my bedroom.

I ordered them 3 months ago when things looked better than they do now. I didn’t foresee all the things that would go wrong financially since then.

My so called friend isn’t paying me back, which is still weighing on me so heavily. Chloe can’t find a job yet. Dyl still needs me to help him get a car. I took on a lot more freelance work but I’m already falling behind on it in the first month. I have applied for other freelance jobs and haven’t gotten them, even though they were jobs for which I was well-qualified.

I’m really, really scared that the worst might happen and I’ll have to move home to Michigan, which would be the ultimate in failure.

Things may still turn around for me before it gets to that point. But from where I sit right now, I don’t have a lot of faith in myself to make it without J around and that’s so terrifying.

I know grief takes a long time to work through and I’m still in that first year, which is supposed to be the hardest. But I am not getting better yet and I wonder when and if I will.

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