I was going to write about this at Medium today but just ran out of time. I had too many freelance deadlines but they will be over for a bit tomorrow. I really have to learn how to manage my time better.
But I had a dream last night and it was remarkable for several reasons. One was that it was only the second dream I’ve ever had with my husband in it. I really hope that means I’ll start having more dreams that he’s in because I still have a lot to work through.
The second reason it was so significant, though, was what it was about. Unlike the first dream I had about him (which was totally frustrating because that one was a dream in which he told me that he never liked the underwear I bought for him,) this one was deeply significant and important.
In the dream, he told me that he was going to get therapy to deal with all of his trauma that he grew up with. I woke up from the dream feeling like I had saved him, which made me cry happy tears.
But then my tears turned to sadness when I realized that it was only a dream and that didn’t really happen.
But from that, I realized how heavily it has been weighing on me that I didn’t and couldn’t save him. Honestly, I didn’t even know that I had somehow put that responsibility on myself. Of course I couldn’t save him; that wasn’t my job. But I still felt like I should have been able to do so anyway.
I told Chloe and Dylan about the dream at dinner and we had a very good discussion about a lot of things. Most importantly, they’re both opening their minds to the possibilities of the spiritual world.
Chloe has always been more open to it. Actually, a minor correction: she went through an edgy atheist phase for a while in high school. But ever since J’s death, she (like me) is aware of his presence and feels like she got certain traits from him, like the fact that she fixed our broken ice maker yesterday. It’s been broken for more than a year and J never had the energy to fix it.
Chloe was never that kind of person before who just took it upon herself to fix things. She totally believes that she got that from J in his passing and who am I to argue?
And Dyl has been in a pretty edgy atheist phase for quite a while, even reacting to some of my spiritual encounters and experiences with skepticism until recently. But he’s opening his mind to the possibility that there may be more than we can understand. Of course, a lot of that is due to the fact that he’s been taking weed edibles a couple of times a week. But if you’re at all open to it, it’s not hard to see the world on multiple levels if you’re regularly getting high.
Incidentally, that’s one of the biggest changes in our lives since J died. We’re all getting high more often. For Dyl and Amy, I think a lot of it is just mostly escapism. For me, it’s because I want to test the limits of my brain and try to expand my consciousness.
I’m going to be meeting with one of my new friends tomorrow and he’s one of a couple of people I’ve met since J’s death to whom I have a connection that I can only describe as spiritual. He’s a lot younger than me but his spiritual wisdom is off the charts.
He’s been doing this unique form of meditation that’s really transformed him. Like I told Dyl, I think meditation is one way to skip way ahead of life experience and develop a sense of spiritual possibilities sooner. I told him that my friend was going to teach me this meditation technique and Dyl said he wanted to learn it, too.
Everything is so good and so scary and so foreign all at the same time. But I’m having to push myself to keep going and find out what the future holds for me. Maybe it will be good someday.