Blahs again

I don’t know where it came from but suddenly I am in the pit of despair again.

Supposedly the ketamine is supposed to help this but it isn’t right now.

I have so much that I want and need to do but absolutely no energy to do it. I can keep up with my increased freelance deadlines (which equals 3 times more work) but I absolutely can’t do anything else.

I just miss J so much. Sure, I’m enjoying having really good sex with Cat but I would still trade it in a minute to have J back with me again.

Cat doesn’t love me. I know that would be an unrealistic expectation for this early into the relationship anyway but she’s also making it very clear that she won’t feel that way about me or anyone else.

And part of me wonders what’s even the point of being in a relationship like that. Sure, the sex is fabulous and I enjoy that. And I’m certainly not saying that I’m falling in love with her either.

It just seems so empty and lonely compared to what I had before and I really miss that so much.

I don’t feel like anyone really cares if I live or die anymore. I know that probably means that the next phase of my life has to be about achievements instead of love. But honestly, I really miss being able to pour my love into someone. That was a good reason for being. This is not.

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