So many big realizations

This has been a hell of a weekend.

So it all started on Friday. I got up early and took Dyl to work but I didn’t go back to sleep like I wanted. Instead, I came home and wrote an article before my deadline and then got ready to go to Cat’s house.

I made an appointment for a wheel alignment on my car because my car has been handling increasingly poorly lately. Honestly it’s been bad for a long time but I could still ignore it because it was still drivable but then it suddenly seemed like it was getting much worse.

I was on my way to Cat’s, making my way through rush hour traffic on one of the busiest and scariest highways in Dallas, when suddenly I didn’t trust my car even to make it to her house first. So I dropped off my car near her house and had her come pick me up.

The car place said they would get my car in at 8 am yesterday, so I slept with the ringer on (which I never do.) I woke up at 10 am—again much earlier than usual—and called the car place.

They had their lead mechanic and their manager looking at it and they couldn’t find what was wrong. And that absolutely freaked me right out. I mean, my car clearly wasn’t safe enough to drive!

Right after that, all the stress caught up to me and suddenly my legs were locked up. I couldn’t straighten out my toes. I remember that one time a couple of years ago, when I was similarly under a great deal of stress, my fingers got stuck in a folded-over position as well.

I knew this was a really bad sign. It was the first time in many years that I felt like I was losing control of my limbs and I didn’t know if I would be okay or not.

Eventually my legs kind of calmed down and I was able to get on with my day. So Cat and I went to the car place and my car still wasn’t ready yet. We went to kill time at an independent coffee shop but the first one we found was actually inside of a church and we noped out of there super fast.

Then we found a different coffee shop and it was so so amazing and delicious. I got a lavender honey latte with oat milk and it was one of the best coffee drinks I’ve ever had.

Then we went back to pick up my car and amazingly, there wasn’t anything major that was wrong with it. One of my tires had the tread wearing out from the inside, which was actually pretty terrifying. If I had kept driving it like that for much longer, I probably would’ve had a major tire blowout on the highway—which very often is fatal around here.

That was the first time I had to deal with car repairs without J, which was a scary situation in itself. But I got through it okay, which is the important part.

Then Cat took me out for a nice dinner at a farm-to-table restaurant where all the food was so fresh. They don’t even have refrigerators there because they make all the food from scratch every day (and it tastes like it, too.)

We went back to her house to have sex again, which was awesome as it always is. At one point she actually burst into tears and she is even less of that type of person than I am. It was just such an emotional release and I felt so glad that she was so comfortable around me.

Also weird: at some point (when, I don’t know, because everything blurs together when I’m with her and I totally lose track of time) I once again felt like J was in the room with us but it wasn’t creepy at all. I know that sounds weird and like it would be creepy but it wasn’t at all. It was actually really comforting. Cat put on 80s alternative in the background and as before, it was all songs that J would have chosen. It was way more than just a coincidence.

Then I came home and talked to my Indian friend Nash for a couple of hours. I started out telling him about my crazy, scary, exhausting weekend. But then we also made a pact to have each other’s backs.

As someone who moved here from India at about the same time as I moved back here from Michigan, I realized that we have something major in common: feeling like we’re all alone in the world. Ironically, I also talked to Cat about that, but she still feels like it’s “too soon” for her to trust me, even though she also acknowledges that all my behaviors indicate that I’m trustworthy. So I’ll just have to wait until she feels ready for that, if she ever does, and that’s okay.

But I also talked about that with Nash and he wholeheartedly agreed. He too is all alone here, since his family is still in India. So we agreed to have each other’s backs, whether we’re sick or have car repairs or whatever. When you realize just how vulnerable you really are, it’s very scary. But lining up people for mutual help is essential in that situation.

I know he’s good. I just know. I trust my gut intuition absolutely and it says he’s good.

He doesn’t view relationships in the same way as most men, for one thing. Being from India, he has an outsider’s perspective and he can see the toxic things in our culture that many native-born people can’t see. But he also gives me a much-needed reminder of what’s still good here.

So I now have two people in my life who weren’t in it before and they’re both good people. And a lot of the things that I believed about myself because J believed them about me aren’t actually true at all.

I guess I’m on a journey to figure out who I really am. It’s exciting and wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. But I am starting to believe that there might just be life for me after J.

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