Feeling better

I’m doing a lot better today.

I had a Zoom call with my guide for the ketamine treatment. She really gets me and we clicked immediately, which makes things easier.

I told her that I was having a hard time integrating “real life” with the glimpses I’ve been getting of the spiritual world and that I felt almost like I was losing my mind.

She talked me through that and led me to find my own answers. Overall, it was really helpful. I asked her if she was familiar with tarot cards (which of course she was) and I said I feel lately like my life is embodied by the card The Tower. She said she got chills when I said that and she thought that was very insightful.

I do feel like my life is being shaken up by its very foundations lately and I can’t fight it. Instead, I have to try to stop fighting it, which is easier said than done.

But I have so many new beginnings lately, both good and bad. Of course, I’m still coming to terms with my sexual identity and realizing that I’m actually a lesbian. That would be pretty huge in itself.

I am also remaining friends with that guy from India, who is truly an interesting person and a good friend to have. I told him that I was really a lesbian but that I really liked him as a friend, and he was very happy with that. I think we might go dancing at an 80s club soon, which just sounds like a fun time. I trust my gut absolutely and my gut told me that he was good, which seems pretty accurate so far.

I still think a lot about leaving Texas but it’s probably not the right time to go yet and I don’t know where I’d want to go anyway. But it’s a really good thing that I’m meeting new people who are really trustworthy and think highly of me.

Between Cat and this Indian guy (whose name is Nash), that’s just two new people I’ve met since losing J and they both think very highly of me. Honestly, that’s still kinda surprising. During my marriage to J, we were so insular. That was comforting in its own way but it was also limiting in many ways, too.

I didn’t really know who I was without J or how to view myself without him. It turns out that I was actually suppressing some of my best traits and I also wasn’t getting out and meeting new people of all different ages. I’m discovering that I actually have a lot to offer, which feels kinda new.

It turns out that the person I am without him is still plenty worth knowing. In some ways, even more so. Some of the things J convinced me to believe about myself weren’t exactly accurate. It’s hard not to see that as an overall positive thing.

I think just maybe I’m going to be okay.

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