So bleh

I’m feeling so uncertain and afraid.

I only have so much money left. I am sure that to my former “friend” it would sound like it’s a lot but it’s really not, not to last me for the rest of my life.

I don’t know if I’ll ever see any of the money back from her and I can’t be sure that I’ll get by without it. Right now, things aren’t looking too good for me. I have no career prospects and Chloe is still having a lot of trouble finding a job.

On the one hand, I feel enormously grateful that Chloe and Dylan have my back. But I also absolutely hate that I’m so dependent on my kids for my own survival. This is not what I want for their lives or for mine.

I suppose that things could turn around for me at any point. And I know that if I chose to, I could probably find some guy that I don’t love at all and whom I’m not attracted to because I’m really a lesbian and convince him to marry me.

But that would be selling myself out in a huge way and I know that I would hate it.

I no longer feel as actively suicidal as I did before I started the ketamine but I don’t feel good at all, either.

I’m still panicked about the future and how bad things look, especially for me. I went from thinking I would definitely become a therapist and be set for life to feeling like I have no options at all.

I’m sure I must have them somewhere but I can’t think of them right now at all. I just feel horribly panicked and it’s not getting any better. I feel like everything in my life is just getting continually worse since J died.

And also factored into this is the fact that I’m getting deeply involved in the spiritual world and I don’t know how to integrate that with the real world at all. I almost feel like I’m losing my mind. Being in the spiritual world while I’m high feels so comforting and I know that I will experience it full time when I die. But I don’t know what to do about it now.

I have a call tomorrow with my guide about the ketamine treatment and I’m going to ask her about this. A big part of me wonders if I made a huge and horrible decision trying ketamine to fix me. I was so desperate for something that would relieve my lifelong depression but I’m not sure this was the right thing to do.

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