Ketamine experience #2

I did my second ketamine trip last night. Remember, the whole point of this is supposedly to resolve my depression and anxiety. Just thought I should state that as a reminder that this ketamine stuff isn’t just for getting high but has a legitimate purpose.

Going into it, I set an intention that I wanted to try to tap into my creativity and remove any of my lingering creative blocks.

My second experience was rather different than my first but the amount of ketamine that I did was higher by 50 percent. During this one, I felt much more out of my body and detached from reality. I’m not sure if I liked that or not, to be honest.

I spent the entire trip mostly focusing on my sexual identity, which was kind of a surprise. What I came away from it with was the very deep realization that at the core of myself, I am and always have been a lesbian.

I thought about a couple of girls that I was friends with in elementary and middle school. I had major crushes on them but didn’t recognize at the time that’s what I was feeling.

I am not actually bisexual at all. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what that means in terms of my relationship to J. I absolutely and unquestionably loved him; I have no doubt in my mind about that.

But I was still always a lesbian by natural orientation. Women are just so much more attractive to me in every way, physically and emotionally.

I also really felt an increased sense of love for myself, too. If I love all women, that also includes myself.

I see men as a fascinating “other” sometimes and I’ve confused that with attraction. There are plenty of men whom I think are great humans. They have great energies and a really attractive vibe. But even when I like them a lot, it doesn’t translate into being turned on by them. I think that it will but it never works.

I think I need to really pay attention to this and get to learn more about what it means.

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