Buried

I have so much to do and I feel like there’s not enough time to do it.

I have an article I’ve been wanting to write for Medium since two days ago, when we had to make the decision to have Dyl’s elderly cat put to sleep. I’ve never been particularly pro-euthanasia and preferred to let our cats die on their own timeline.

But his cat was slowly declining and we did everything we could reasonably do to prolong her life and it just wasn’t working anymore. In reality she was probably ready to go a couple of months ago because she noticeably stopped eating as much. But we took her to the vet then and got appetite-stimulating meds for her, which seemed to help for a while.

Then this week they stopped working and she wasn’t eating or drinking. She could barely move her legs on her own and I’m not sure when the last time was that she used her litter box. At that point, it just seemed cruel to try to keep her alive. But because she was Dyl’s cat pretty much exclusively, he had to make the final call when it was time.

It was an agonizing decision for him and for me as well. There’s no way to avoid that. And honestly, it reminded me too much of what I went through with J, especially in his final hours.

The last dose of Valium that I gave J was still within the range of what they said I could give him. But up until that point, I had been giving him smaller doses, just enough to take away his panic.

That final dose was enough to let him fall asleep in a deeply relaxed position. If I had given him another small dose like the previous ones, he might have been alive for a couple more hours.

But I chose to provide mercy and compassion to him, even though it meant that I lost him a bit earlier. I don’t regret that decision, as it was one made out of absolute love for him (even though I wanted every possible minute with him.)

Dyl now understands the same thing. Sometimes real love is doing what is kinder and more merciful to someone you love, even if that means you have to take some initiative and ultimately say goodbye to them sooner.

I’m thoroughly convinced that making a decision like that is painful but it’s also an act of great love. I’m just so sad that he now understands what I’ve been going through.

I want to write about that for Medium but I just don’t have time right now. My freelance work has more than doubled, which will be great because I’ve had some huge vet bills recently. But my time management isn’t great as it is and it’s so much worse when I’m dealing with stresses like this.

I just want to lie down and sleep for a few days but I can’t. I just have to keep pushing on and hope that things get better soon.

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