Yesterday was just weird. I think it was mostly due to the after-effects of taking the ketamine but it was also due to a major mistake that I made.
I took a muscle relaxer last night because I couldn’t take my usual sleep meds. I looked up the potential interactions between ketamine and the muscle relaxer. The muscle relaxer was listed as having a “moderate” interaction, while my usual sleep meds were said to have a “major” interaction.
My usual antidepressant was also listed as having a “moderate” interaction and I wasn’t prohibited from taking those, so I figured it would be fine.
I was definitely wrong.
Not only didn’t the muscle relaxer help me to sleep but it also had exactly the opposite effect of normal. Instead of relaxing my muscles, it actually made them tense up a lot more than usual. My legs were in just about the worst pain that I’ve ever experienced.
So needless to say, I won’t be doing that again.
I’m also trying to focus on making sure my mindset is right as part of the integration process. I have to admit that that’s a lot harder when you’re trying to recover from a medication mistake.
I also looked back on FB at the post I made when J died and I reread all the responses that I got from people. And that just made me feel sad all over again that J’s really gone.
And it also made me actively feel angry again at Christi because of course I was vulnerable and still am.The difference is that I’m not going to dwell on that anymore like I might have before.
But it just reminded me that there is no possible way in which she acted like a real friend to me when I most needed one and that sucks. If anything, it just confirmed that I am absolutely right to get far, far away from her. Because if she’s really trying to be a better person, she still has a very long way to go. I did nothing wrong.