So I started my ketamine trial last night and it was very, very good. I can’t wait to do it again. It will be at least 6 sessions, each spaced about a week apart.
I have been doing various drugs since J died, which itself is kinda interesting because I never really did them before. I mean, I got high on occasion as a teenager but I didn’t really like it and it wasn’t a part of my life for decades.
The ketamine trial is supposed to have major benefits for depression and anxiety, which was my primary reason for doing it. But it also turned out to essentially have a “tripping” component. It was also kinda funny that I was required to have a designated “trip sitter” (what they called a “peer treatment monitor.”) I chose Dyl and had Chloe on hand as a backup if needed.
It’s so interesting to me that I’ve become more interested in this sort of thing since J died, and it’s linked to that, too. It’s like I’m trying to expand the limits of my brain, ultimately so that I can maintain contact with him even though he’s dead.
And even weirder is that it seems to be working. I’m very aware of his presence on a lot of occasions now, to the point that I no longer see it as weird. I can’t really explain how I’m feeling his presence or what the encounters are like, either, but I know I’m not crazy (even though I probably sound like I am.)
It’s more like I’ve always had a very strong sense of intuition and this is a bit similar, like a sidebar to my intuition or something added onto it. I feel very special and grateful for this in every way. It’s like I tapped into something new and I’m leveling up. I keep testing my mental limits and powers and I remain extremely open and curious to what’s possible. I also try to work on meditation but it’s super difficult for me still.
Anyway, as the ketamine was wearing off but I was still under its influence, I was advised to try to journal. This is what I wrote:
Write about all of this
Your connection to the spirit world is growing stronger and it’s not an accident and you have to find a way to explain it in words
You’re looking for J and Sue won’t understand because she can’t but that doesn’t mean that you’re wrong about any of it
You’re healing and this is only the beginning, keep going
You’re becoming more aware of the spirit world and that the world we think we live in is not the real one. We’re actually on a totally different playing field than we think we are but most people don’t know that
Everything around you is so much love
You have special talents to explain this to the world and you will figure out how to get it out
You should do LSD next and look up guided meditations to listen to while you do it because you’ll learn even more
Write write write
You will always find the other people who also understand the spirit world no matter where you go. Cat was only the first of many people you’ll meet that you’ll have a spiritual connection to
You are good
You are safe
You are pure