Magical thinking

I’m still distressed a lot about having loaned my friend that money because she probably won’t pay it back and J worked so hard to give it to me.

But I have to try to figure that it’s out of my hands now, which just leaves me with a bunch of regrets and magical thinking.

If only he were still here. I ache for his presence because he always made me feel like everything was going to be okay. Now I’m left relying only on the universal laws of karma, which have never let me down before. I admit that my belief that I’ll always be okay has been badly shaken, which is the worst aspect of this whole thing.

But I do mostly still believe that the universe works in predictable ways, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. If the worst-case scenario comes true and she doesn’t pay me back, I have to believe that the universe will ensure that I’m okay, just as surely as things won’t work out for her if that’s the route she decides to take. I’ve just seen this work too many times. You always get back the same energy you put out there.

I know that works. But I also know that I may have to suffer through some more bad times before things get back to good again for me and I just hope they won’t be too bad because I’m not all that stable.

I’ve had all kinds of fantasies that amount to little more than “what ifs” because they’re so unlikely. Like maybe J’s mom will prove in the end that she doesn’t hate me after all and will help me financially, although she never has before and is unlikely to start doing so now.

Or maybe one of these days I’ll get inspired enough to write something really good and I’ll make a lot of money from it. At this point, that seems more likely, although I’m also scared that I’ll never realize my true potential and I’ll die with wasted talents that I mostly squandered away.

Going to grad school increasingly feels like it’s not going to be the right option for me. There are a lot of reasons I feel that way, especially that one of my therapist friends sees changes coming swiftly in the industry that will make it a less viable career path (and one that she wouldn’t recommend anymore.)

The thing about that is that I’m also having very, very strong intuitions warning me against doing it. Like they’re the strongest intuitions I’ve ever had, which is really saying something because I also had an intuition that J would die young and get colon cancer (but I didn’t know colon cancer would be the cause of his young death.)

Quite frankly, I am getting such strong warnings about grad school that I would be absolutely stupid if I still did it anyway right now. I’ve been clearly warned.

But I don’t know what I am going to do instead now with the rest of my life and that really matters a great deal. A HUGE deal. I think I’m going to end up writing full-length pieces like books and that’s how I’ll make my money but I am also so scared of that. My feelings of impostor syndrome are so intense.

The fact remains that my awareness of the spiritual world has dramatically heightened in recent months, to a point where I feel like my life is totally out of my control but in a mostly good way.

Cat is clearly in my life because we have some kind of deep spiritual connection, which just absolutely blows my mind in every way. I don’t know how I found another relationship like that right away. But she feels it, too. Our relationship is not like mine was with J at all and I don’t think she’ll be in my life forever. But he and I also had a deeply spiritual connection and he told me that I would start dating her long before I did. In fact, I really resisted that hard and she still waited for me.

Yesterday we were just lounging in bed together, cuddling and talking and occasionally bringing each other to ecstasy and I swear it felt like J was there in the room with us, just a really calming presence. She put on a randomly chosen 80s alternative playlist and all the songs were favorites of J’s, like he chose the songs himself. That would normally freak me out but by now that kind of thing is seeming like the norm.

It’s so positively weird but it just feels like I’m functioning on this totally different plane of existence now, where all these strange seemingly coincidental spiritual experiences are happening to me and I don’t know why but they all feel magical.

I learn deep new revelations about myself literally every week when I’m with her and I’m healing myself a lot. But each week also feels progressively spookier, with more strange coincidences that I can’t explain.

I obviously didn’t tell the kids about the sex part but I talked to them at length during dinner last night and for several hours beyond about all kinds of stuff. I mentioned that being with Cat feels like it has a weirdly spiritual component that I can’t explain and that it affects me so much to be with her that it takes me a couple days to feel like I’ve come back into my body.

Chloe didn’t understand it—heck, I don’t even understand it myself—but she did say that I do seem unusually out of it for a couple days after I visit Cat each week, like I’m trying to process the experience. And I am and I was kinda surprised that she observed the difference in me, too. But she agrees with me that it’s good and I should continue trying to pursue a day of bliss each week.

I just have to learn how to let go and trust the universe and that’s absolutely terrifying.


  1. SH says:

    Reminds me of this comic artist (can’t remember the username), and how she tried to logic her intuition/spiritual sense away but she ended up being right in small things and big things.

    I don’t know if a Higher Power or karma exists but I do believe you as yourself definitely will attract good people to you. Because you’re honestly a good person. That can’t be faked. As for that former best friend, I do think she’ll reap what she has sowed. Not because I wish her ill but because all the entitled takers in my and other people’s lives DO actually have a theme where they can’t maintain any genuine friendships.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      You’re absolutely right. My intuition is so dead on and accurate. I only wish it could have protected me from being used by my so-called “friend.” 😞

      And thank you. I don’t know what I believe about a Higher Power or karma either, but everything I’m experiencing since losing J seems to confirm that there is one. I certainly hope that I will continue to attract good people to me because I’m a good person. And I also agree that my former friend will continue to suffer. I genuinely don’t wish any ill on her either (despite the fact that I’m angry with her right now) but all the entitled takers of the world DO seem to continually suffer as a result of their actions. I haven’t yet seen that in my MIL’s life and she has certainly taken advantage of many people. She currently has plenty of money accumulated which might have a protective effect for her but I still thoroughly believe that she’ll suffer as well at some point because of how poorly she’s treated people. At the very least nobody will mourn when either of them dies, which means that you did nothing good to positively impact the world. I think that’s such a sad waste of being alive.


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