Darkening skies again

I don’t know why I can’t seem to beat this depression. It just keeps kicking me while I’m down. At least tomorrow I have my consult to try to get ketamine treatment for my depression.

I know that a big part of it is (still) not getting into that grad school program. I now know that they only take 10 percent of applicants so it’s not a huge deal that I didn’t get in.

But it has me re-evaluating my grad school plans at all and that leaves me feeling horribly unsettled and rootless about my future. I didn’t really have a plan B and I still don’t.

I’ve even started to actively hate where I live but I know you’re not supposed to make any major moves for at least the first year after losing your spouse. Everything here is so fucked up and I just want out.

I think that loaning my friend that money has destroyed our friendship and I just really miss her and the support she used to give me. Maybe there are other reasons she’s pulling away from me that she hasn’t told me about but it still really hurts.

I just feel like I’m screwing up all my friendships. Yes, my friend in the poly couple still hasn’t forgiven me for asking if her partner was open for play. She said that he was and even arranged our contact but then changed her mind after the fact. I asked Cat if I did anything wrong because she knows the poly community better than I do and she said that I didn’t do anything wrong. But my friend in the poly couple feels differently and that’s what matters.

I already apologized to her weeks ago, saying that I didn’t know that what I was asking was inappropriate or else I never would have done it and said that no man was worth that to me.

It doesn’t matter. The damage is already done.

Meanwhile all the dating apps are filled with people in ethically non-monogamous relationships and I’m so sick of it. I just want one person who wants to be with only me and apparently that makes me a freak or something.

It feels like the whole world has gone to hell and I don’t know how to survive in this.

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