I don’t even know what to think about all this.
I’m pretty certain that I’m a lesbian. I can see myself potentially having a relationship with a man someday but he would have to be extremely exceptional—like J was. I mean, I miss dick (sorry) but not everything else that goes with it.
I can’t get through this whole story without explaining more details, which are going to be a little TMI. So you’ve been warned.
I did go that event last night with Cat and it was so much fun. In fact, I’ve even reached out to the event coordinator to see if I can be one of the (totally naked) readers in the future.
While we were there, a younger woman (I’d guess in her late 20s) was sitting next to me and even I was aware that she was probably flirting with me. She asked me about my tattoos and was lightly caressing my right arm as she talked.
I’m normally pretty dense but even I got that one. It was clear that I was there with Cat but I totally would have hooked up with her under other circumstances.
So then I went back to Cat’s house and we had sex twice last night and again today. And OMG…so that’s what sexual attraction is supposed to be like.
It was just so effortless. To let her know when I was ready to go again was just completely natural. And we were both incredibly and multi-orgasmic (sorry not sorry, you were warned about the TMI.) I just felt so many tingles down there that I am not used to feeling.
I can honestly say that even J and I weren’t as comfortable together sexually and we were still pretty compatible. But there was also an awkwardness that we never entirely got over, either.
Now I’m wondering if I really was a lesbian all along and if that was one of the many factors that contributed to the awkwardness we had in our sex life, pretty much consistently.
I remember that at the time when we first started dating, I was reading books on how to know if I was a lesbian or not. And because this was before the era of the internet, that was all that I could do.
I think that maybe—in fact, probably—I actually was a lesbian all along. Or at least still bisexual but much more attracted to women than I would let myself believe.
I mean, my first sexual experimentation was with another girl and I liked it. J used to think that was a sign of some type of earlier sexual abuse that I’d suffered and I just didn’t remember it. But it was age-appropriate exploration, so maybe I wasn’t ever abused. I can’t think of any occasions when I was.
But I also feel so incredibly bad and horrible that I may have been a lesbian this whole time because J definitely didn’t deserve that. I’m for sure going to be talking to my therapist about this.
I’ve also realized that I have a whole lot of internalized homophobia to work through. I just can’t be a lesbian, right? I’ve never seen any lesbians who look like me. I’m femme and also attracted to other femmes.
I’m not like my junior high school gym teacher, who was an obvious lesbian. She was so masculine and sporty and I’ve never been attracted to that kind of woman at all.
But the way that my body reacted to being with Cat definitely says otherwise. I am at the very least, very, very bisexual, with a strong preference for women.
And because Cat and I aren’t exclusive, I’m still free to explore. The other day, I was in Dallas already and she was joking with me and told me that I should go to Sue Ellen’s (the local lesbian bar) and try to pick someone up.
I honestly thought about it for a half-second and the only reason I didn’t was because it was in the middle of the day.
I don’t even know what’s going to happen going forward. A tiny part of me wants to become a lesbian player, like Shane on The L Word. But I don’t think I’ll do that.
I don’t think so, at least. But damn is it tempting. Women who are younger than me apparently find me just as attractive as younger men do and I can’t lie; that’s pretty flattering.