Still confused

So the relationship with Cat is actually progressing quite nicely. We’re going to go together to an event on Friday night that’s kinda artsy in an offbeat sort of way.

Basically it’s described as “naked women reading hilarious history.” It should be a lot of fun. And after that, I’m planning to stay the night at her house, and all that that entails.

I know.

At the same time, I don’t really feel guilty about it, even though I think I should. It’s only been 6 months since I lost J and I’m still not even remotely over him yet. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be.

Yet he also told me about this specific relationship and that it would make me happy, when he came to see me like 6 weeks ago. I honestly tried pretty hard to fight it, too. But it keeps happening anyway. The fact that he predicted it almost feels like an endorsement of it but that still just doesn’t seem like it can be right, either.

I’ve looked super hard for any red flags and I just don’t see them yet. I trust my gut absolutely and it says that she’s good.

My mom and my best friend both told me that they think it’s safer for me to date women now. I agree. (Though it is admittedly weird that my mom is so okay with it. I did sorta let her know that I was bisexual 23 years ago and she wasn’t as cool about it then.)

But at the same time, I’ve never had an actual relationship with a woman before, only sex. I wonder if it will be any different.

I do know that she’s emotionally intelligent and is very open about discussing her feelings, so that can only be a good thing, I think.

But honestly, I never expected to be in any relationship again just 6 months after losing J and I don’t know what to think about that. I know that it probably would have taken him much longer to find another relationship if I had been the one to die instead. I’m not sure that he ever would have, to be completely honest.

And the fact that I am just makes me feel incredibly disloyal.

1 Comment

  1. SH says:

    You’re not disloyal, but I understand feeling that way. I’ve always told B that I’d want him to find love and happiness again. I know if I pass before him, I’ll still always be in his heart, and the right person will understand that.

    I think particular women are more likely to have done their own inner work vs a lot of men who might not have had compelling reasons to push past the fear ingrained by toxic masculinity


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