It’s going to be okay

Not my friendship with the woman in the poly couple; I still don’t know that. I’ve sent her a sincere apology and said that I never wanted to hurt her and that no man was worth that to me. I guess the ball’s in her court now and I’ve done all that I can do.

But I’m overall feeling a lot more positive about my life ever since the concert and that feeling is continuing to last.

I found out that Dyl’s girlfriend’s guardian is actually bisexual. (I knew it! J and I both got a gay vibe from him the first time we met him but he just wasn’t ready to admit it yet, I guess.)

And apparently my “relentlessly gay” yard signs and open acceptance of LGBTQ people and affirming T-shirts were noticed and made him feel safer about admitting it.

I’ve seen the changes in him gradually in recent months and it’s given me so much joy to see. He’s always been pretty uptight and seemed kinda sad and lonely, which made me really sad, too. But I see him relaxing more and opening up and it’s so great.

He has a new friend whom Dyl met and described as “pretty fruity” 😂 but it makes him happy. He’s being more social than before, too. I’m just so proud that I’ve influenced him in a positive way, however small.

My therapist said something this week about how I’m like a beacon in my neighborhood, which is filled with a lot of immigrants. I’d never really thought of it that way before but it’s neat. She said that I’m using my white privilege for good and making people feel accepted.

If that’s indeed the case, I’m super happy. I just want to promote love and acceptance and I guess I’m actually doing it.

It’s now been six months to the day since I lost J and I still have days when it’s hard to get out of bed but there are fewer of them now. I feel more like he’s with me than I used to. For example, I felt really strongly like he was with me when I was at the concert—maybe even like he arranged it on some level, which I know doesn’t make any scientific sense at all.

But I felt like he was watching me have a good time and he totally approved.

Even my friendship with Cat seems like it may have the potential to turn into more. I like her a lot more as we spend more time together. And I think he’s okay with that, too.

I like who I’m becoming and how my relationships are changing and evolving over time. I’m relaxing more, especially with the kids. I think that maybe I really do have what it takes to get through this life without him.

I think he’s proud of me for sure.

1 Comment

  1. SH says:

    Hell, you’re really giving and I really hope that you can have good people around you, who can give back to you too. You deserve to be supported in all your seasons


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