Consequences

So it turns out that my friend is upset with me and very hurt because I asked her about approaching her partner in the poly relationship.

She didn’t tell me so at the time and she even told him that I was interested. But as she sat with the knowledge for longer, it became more and more apparent that she actually wasn’t okay with it.

Now I’m just feeling like I fucked everything up and I deeply regret ever saying anything to her. I don’t know how I could have known but maybe that’s obvious to everyone else; I don’t know.

He still wants to sleep with me and for so many reasons, my answer is no. But that doesn’t matter because the damage is already done.

This is such a horrible feeling and I can’t do anything to undo it. I desperately wish I could.

I would never intentionally hurt a friend. I have even gone to great lengths to prevent hurting friends, even when we were angry at each other. I really didn’t understand the realities of poly relationships and that some people are supposed to be off limits. I still don’t even know how I could have known but I guess that I should have.

I just realize that I crossed a line without realizing it and like I somehow (??) should have known better. I don’t know how I could have known better but I’m still beating myself up a lot for it.

I just am clearly not ready to date anyone yet because I’m too fucked up.

5 Comments

  1. SH says:

    How would you have known he was off-limits if she didn’t tell you that? It seems unfair that she would be angry with you for not magically knowing. Especially as every poly-pod (I don’t know the correct term) is different! For example, someone might have a nesting partner who they’re legally married to but not having sex with, but both have sexual relationships of different kinds. She can’t expect you to just know…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      Thank you for telling me that. One of my other friends is saying that I probably should have known that was a bad idea and that it wasn’t wise of me to ask in the first place. But like you said, how COULD I know? My friend in the poly couple was telling me all about how much fun she was having with other partners (and even showing me some explicit pictures, which didn’t bother me), so I just figured I’d ask if her male partner might be open to play with me.

      I just really don’t get it at all but it’s definitely left a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing. And it really doesn’t help matters at all that he’s still texting me to try to get together with me “since she’s already upset anyway.” Just…no. Way too much drama for me, thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SH says:

        I don’t know any poly people on a close petsinsl level, but I’ve read about it in sone Facebook groups and from some content creators/comic artists on Instagram who are poly. Given how your friend had been sharing how much fun she’s been having, plus didn’t tell you that her male partner is off limits…and the whole poly (ethical non monogamy) thing is about consent and communication… you did nothing wrong in asking. It also looks like they’re not very…ethical… since he seems to still be trying to get together without actually seeming to have her consent (not that she’s in control of him but different folks in different setups might have particular boundaries) and without specifying what’s acceptable or not. Definitely too much drama, and it looks unhealthy/off that they’re like this. It’s also a common problem where a primary couple isn’t clear with other partners outside the dyad and people get hurt by the hierarchy of being lesser. As for example, bisexual people often get invited a lot to “poly relationships” when the main couple actually aren’t upfront about how they just want a third partner for hookups and that an equal triad isn’t going to happen. Of course, hookups like that are also fine but people should be able to have honest communication etc. I had a friend who was basically the third and the couple always prioritised themselves over them. Which okay, they’re legally married, so was my friend and their spouse… but they brought my friend in as though they were going to be a close, like a family of adults who were akso having sex (my friend had other casual partners too, dunno about their spouse), then couldn’t actually communicate or address interpersonal conflict.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. SH says:

        Also I hope she had the consent of her partners to show you those photos. Because if they’re identifiable (like their names or faces or enough details on the person) and she didn’t get their consent…that’s boundary violation on her part towards them. (Not that I think you’d be bothered by the NSFW, but they might not have been okay with that.)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Holly says:

        No, I don’t think that she did. I agree that it’s a huge boundary violation on her part. I wasn’t bothered by the very NSFW but the lack of discretion for her other partners’ privacy was very uncool.

        Given that fact and the fact that her male partner is still trying to get with me despite her being clearly not okay with it is setting off all kinds of red flags for me. They both say they’re into ethical polyamory but I don’t see much of the “ethical” part. I’m out.

        Like

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