Everything is bleh

I feel like I’ve fucked everything up. I hope my therapist will make me feel better tomorrow.

My friend who’s in the poly couple is upset that I asked her if her partner would be open to having a thing with me. Now that I know that it’s not going to go anywhere, I really, deeply wish that I had just kept my stupid mouth shut and I hope that it won’t have a permanent impact on our friendship (which has been long-standing for years.)

I also realized that I don’t really understand polyamorous relationships at all and honestly I don’t really think they’re for me. I know all the arguments in their favor, the most compelling of which is that it’s unrealistic to expect one person to meet all your needs.

I particularly think that’s true when you have a spouse who denies your need for sex and intimacy but doesn’t allow you to get those needs met elsewhere. I’ve been in that situation before, as have several of my friends, and I just think that’s profoundly unfair. Sex is such a critical part of marriage—it’s what separates a marriage from roommates, after all—and for one partner to essentially tell the other “you’re not getting any and don’t you dare cheat” is horrible and unfair in every way.

But I also realized that I am definitely not polyamorous. I’m sure it works for other people but I am not them. From my perspective, it just looks like wanting to have sex with lots of people. Even from my discussions with him last night, his partner (my friend) is getting lots of regular sex from multiple partners and he’s not.

It’s not my place to judge whatever arrangements they have or say that they’re not working for them. But that’s not what I want for myself.

I want monogamy again. I want the emotional safety of one partner. I want to try my hardest to meet their needs and for them to do the same thing for me.

I can say that in my own experience (not speaking for anyone else), when J and I finally worked through our issues and focused on trying to make each other happy, it worked. I didn’t want anybody else.

Sure, occasionally, someone would turn my head—or more accurately, capture my imagination with discussions that were stimulating and exciting. I had that with my friend Chris for a while. But it didn’t ever go anywhere and I didn’t feel like it needed to.

But the real problem I see now is that I’m not sure how easy—or even possible—it will be to find another relationship like I had with J. I don’t want a poly relationship and I certainly don’t want someone who’s going to lie to me about me being the only one. Polyamory is at least worlds better than being with someone who’s cheating on you behind your back but it’s still not what I want, either.

I feel like I’m still attractive and I’m comfortable in my own skin. I believe that I have a lot to offer in a relationship. But I’m losing a lot of hope that I’ll ever find it. I fear that I’m destined to be alone now that I’ve lost J and I’m way too young for that.

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